just jill

The Invitation

2012-02-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for,

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,

for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Who do you Be?

2012-02-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

One of the most interesting conversations I have with myself while taking personal inventory is about who I “be”. I believe that who I be is always a choice and never the result of my circumstances. Please don’t take this to mean I’m a master of my emotions. I’m actually quite horrible at remembering to choose my way of being. Just picture an unpredictable roller coaster and put my name on it. Despite that, there is still a sense of empowerment in knowing that with practice, we can choose who we be in any moment or situation. For instance, maybe I’ll choose to be loving today, or inspirational, or silly. Maybe I’ll decide that my goal for the whole day is to grin like an idiot at everyone I see and watch their reactions. Don’t you just want to run out and test that? Unfortunately, we can also choose to be in a negative pattern of being. And that, my friends, is where I have been for a very long time. I’ll admit it…I felt sick and broken and I wanted people to recognize I felt sick and broken. I wanted people to get my pain so I didn’t feel alone in it, thinking that if people felt sorry for me just a bit I would feel better. You know what? I didn’t feel better. All I felt was more negativity with a side of guilt for being a complainer and an energy vampire. I want to be someone who breathes life into people I come in contact with, not the sucker of their life-force energy. I realized that I was stuck in victim mode. Oh I talked about getting out. I even had brilliant bursts of relief where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But traveling upwards is difficult when there is no action involved. I was all talk and no action. Yeesh.
I remember several (as in like 6) years ago a time where I was much more conscious about who I was being. I created a “Be” jar with my friend/roommate. We typed ways of being on individual slips of paper and put them all in a decorated glass jar. Every morning we would each draw a slip and that would be our assignment for the day. It was fun and very freeing. It took work to maintain it throughout the day…some days were successful and others weren’t. But it was practice and inspired awareness. The lesson here is this: We have choice. It is the way God designed it to be, for us to have agency. We have the freedom to choose good things and positive energy or victim-mode and darkness. And we can choose no matter our circumstances. We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control how we react and our thought processes. And it is ours. People can always take away our stuff, but they can’t take away who we are. Not ever. Maybe I’ll go make a new “be” jar….

Journey to Joyful

2012-02-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

Check out the beginning of my journey to a more joyful life! Just hop over to jackandjilly.org

Dwelling in the Amazing

2012-01-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

Things with me are, well, different. In a good way. In fact, so far this month has felt almost like a vacation. Let me explain.
   As we are all aware, the past several years have been really rough on me. I look back and all I see is a giant black hole. Or maybe it's more like one of those hypnotizing spiral thingies that aren't really moving but look like they are. Don't get me wrong, I've had some great experiences mixed in with the darkness, but either way...its been really hard. Like take my soul to the edge of my existence hard. After dealing with panic attacks and anxiety on the regular for several years, I finally got desperate enough to try medication. That was back in July. Happy Birthday to me. Since then, an amazing series of events has occurred that has, in a way, set me free. No doubt the Lord is looking out for me. I landed a new job that SIGNIFICANTLY lowered my stress, allows me to have a normal life schedule, a social life, etc. And after realizing that my medication was no longer serving me and probably making my symptoms worse, I decided I was finally in a good position to come off of it. I tapered off over the course of about a month, and then made the leap to being medication free. The first night was rough. My insomnia returned, along with the night tremors and sleep starts I began experiencing back in Utah. So I would take things like benedryl or tylenol pm to help me go to sleep. You know what I use now? NOTHING. It's pretty fantastic.
For years I have been studying nutrition and how it works in our bodies to promote healing and optimal health. Last year I studied quite a bit about raw foods and the power eating our vegetables uncooked can give us. I felt inspired to move towards this type of lifestyle, but was so caught up in the stress of not sleeping and my job at the time to do anything about it. I just wasn't ready. While I've been studying nutrition and believe wholeheartedly that food can be used as medicine...that our bodies are made to heal themselves if given the proper fuel and other tools like exercise and sleep...I haven't been practicing it. I allowed myself to dwell in the darkness that is "victim", allowing my circumstances to control me. I allowed horrible foods to enter my mouth, even though I knew that my body is sensitive to certain things. All this unhealthiness not only affected my physical and mental self, it greatly affected, or infected rather, my spiritual self and my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior. Because I know our souls are the combination of our body and spirit, I realized that what was really wrong with me was that I suffered from an infection of the soul. Body, mind and spirit.
    I normally don't do resolutions at the new year. This year, however, I declared a year of healing. And not my usual declaration that sounded great and inspired but then prompted no action. But a real declaration. That to get healthy, I had to "be" healthy. Thus, I started using food as medicine. I know my body well through trial and error, so I knew that what I needed was 5 to 6 meals a day consisting of lean protein and plenty of veggies. I try to eat them raw (the veggies, not the protein...don't worry) as much as possible. The only fruit I really eat is apples and blueberries (usually I freeze them and eat them as a treat if I crave anything sweet). Right now, my body is rejecting most grains and starches...even starchy vegetables. So if I have them at all its maybe two or three times a week.
   I've been doing this for 3 weeks now and so far my moods have stabilized, my anxiety has become almost non-existent, and my panic attacks are far and few between. While sleep isn't quite where I'd like it to be yet, I can generally fall asleep on my own and am waking up fewer times throughout the night. I also started exercising to see how my body would respond...and it did well! So I've been gradually increasing my intensity, being careful not to over-do it but still pushing and testing my limits.
All of this to say, I've started to feel like Jill again. And it's wonderful...amazing even. I choose to dwell in that.

Glory

2012-01-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

I wrote this approximately 8 years ago after coming through a really rough and dark time. And It applies now.

Glory

Sickened by such lonesome thoughts

I stand still on my ground

The havoc that this weight has wrought

Awakens every sound

The crying in the blackest night

The shout of joy and peace

Soothing songs when done what's right

When faith's strength has increased

The echo of my hollow voice

Against blank walls and stares

Reflects again my own true choice

Though some no longer care

And I with my new found glory here

Stand proudly and content

Pushed aside both pain and fear

My soul no longer rent

Writer's Block

2012-01-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ernest Hemingway once said “There is no rule on how to write. Sometimes it comes easily and perfectly; sometimes it's like drilling rock and then blasting it out with charges.”

I've taken a curious interest to the lives of successful writers lately. Mainly because I think I would like to be one. Actually it is quite more like a need to be one, an inner stirring that is compelling me to put pen to paper (okay, let's face it. I don't write much with pen and paper anymore. Who does?). Still, despite the fact that I am not yet en route to producing something actually printable, I would still like to know what kind of life I'd be getting myself into.

So far, my findings have been thus: it's hard.

In my mind, writing has been some romantic notion of combining my feelings with the written word. That is how it has always worked for me. It is effortless, like it's seeping out of my heart through my fingers and onto the page. Hemingway also said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and bleed” and up until now I have whole-heartedly agreed. This theory of mine explains why my writing is sporadic in time. It just doesn't happen unless there is some emotion welling up within me that needs escape. However, I am learning that to be true to myself in my desire to write I have to also be willing to trudge through the muck. Sticky, gooey, hard to get through muck. Like these past few months of hemming and hawing over What do I write? Maybe this, maybe that and in turn feeling stuck because I'm not writing something “productive” which then makes me not want to write at all. Stephen King said it best, “ Sometimes you have to go on when you don't feel like it, and sometimes you're doing good work when it feels like all you're managing is to shovel s**t from a sitting position.” Thanks, Steve. I appreciate you making me feel better about the whole thing, even if your books aren't exactly jill-friendly.

On the Edge

2011-12-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Visit my other blog jackandjilly.org to read my new post On the Edge

Christmas Eve: A Tribute to Nastalgia

2011-12-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

Christmas Eve is and has always been a special day for me. I suppose everyone feels the same in some way. As a child it held this sort of magical feel to it...like a denseness in the air that you could almost breathe in. I've been a little disappointed in my adult years at how ordinary of a day Christmas Eve has become. My sister once told me that once I had children of my own it would become magical again. But no matter how dull it may feel for whatever reason, the memories of Christmases past keep it alive for me...atleast until those fantom children arrive at some point in my life (I do hope). Every year on Christmas Eve, my parents would load us kids up into the car and we would head to my grandparent's house. There would be food, music and general merriment. My mom or my aunt Judy would usually lead some sort of activity-slash-story for the young kids. And then there was the passing out of the presents. The announcement of this ritual always brought shouts of excitement from the kids. The little ones would jump up and run to the tree, and as my grandmother would direct them in which present went to whom, they delivered them like excited little elves buzzing with joy. And you couldn't open them up any old time you wished. Oh no. You had to go in procession of age. We started with the oldest children (also known as "The Four Girls", to which elitest group I belonged), and worked our way down. Then came the adults. With everyone looking on, you would open your gifts, announce who it was from, and then hold it up for everyone to see. You would either then look at the gift giver and give an acknowledgement of thanks, or go give a hug in gratitude. After all the gifts had been opened and songs had been sung, families began to disperse to their respective households for the night. We always tended to be the first to arrive and the last to leave (I attribute that to my mother, who is always setting up and cleaning up for every event I think I've ever been to in my whole life. Just goes to show how service oriented she is). On the ride home, my dad would always take the back roads and try to find streets with light-adorned houses for us to look at. I can remember watching out of the window, wondering if I might catch a glimps of the silhouette of Santa and his reindeer against the moonlit sky. When we arrived home, it was pretty quick to bed because by then it was usually far past our bedtime. My sister and I would go into our room that we shared and compare our gifts and talk about what Santa might bring in the morning. I can still feel the warm feeling of the evening as I drifted off to sleep.
We no longer hold our Smith family get-together on Christmas Eve, mainly because we all grew up. Grandchildren started to marry and have children of their own. We do still have our gathering every year, however, usually sometime on the weekend leading up to Christmas. Last night, as we all hung out together and ate food and sang songs, I had a flood of nostalgia wash over me. It was never about the presents. For me, it was always about the love that we all shared for each other as we celebrated the birth of the One who made it possible for us to be together forever. I will be forever grateful for the precious gift that is Jesus Christ, and that I have a family that still enjoys being together. Merry Christmas!

Musical Musings

2011-12-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

I love music. Like speaks to my heart and calms my soul kind of love. Interesting thing though...some days, i literally can't stand for anything except piano music. With maybe some strings thrown in. If I even hear a voice it grates my nerves. Now what sense does that make? I have a theory. Piano has always made me feel grounded. Like everything is right with the world. I suppose that's why I stuck with the lessons all those years. And why to this day, when my soul feels in turmoil, putting my hands on those keys instantly melts my sorrow away. My only wish is that I played more, and that I was better than I am. Maybe I should work on that.

Mrs. Walker

2011-12-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

Here I sit today, trying to focus on my tasks at hand, engaged in a tug-of-war between my daydreaming mind and what needs to be done. I tend to get frustrated a little on days like this...its sunny outside, somewhat warm (and lets face it, after the rain and ugliness of the past two days, who isn't distracted by that?) and I'm stuck at a desk with a to-do list. And then in walks Mrs. Walker. She's one of my oldest residents and by far the most colorful character in the place. I love her. She calls the office every couple of days just to say hi to me or ask if I have any candy canes for her. Today she walked in bearing gifts in the form of chocolate and a bribe to try and get me to come help her clean 10 pounds of chitlins she just bought. True story. A few weeks ago when I informed her we were doing our annual apartment inspections she called to let me know she just put 3 holes in the wall so we would have something to be worried about in her unit. Of course she was joking, but after we left she called me to let me know we had forgotten to fold her laundry while we were there. Mrs. Walker brightens my day. Sometimes she makes a bad day turn around when she comes in just to chat for a few minutes and make me feel better. I'm so grateful for wonderful,different, and even eccentric people. They make the world a much more interesting place to be.

Just Jill

2011-12-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

There are days where I sit in whatever little space I happen to be in, listening to musical favorites such as Ray LaMontagne or Citizen Cope or my recent love Brett Dennen. I begin to feel so at peace with myself that I start to suspect I'm an imposter. Like I have this stuck-in-overdrive need to define myself. And for what? So I can fit into some kind of category neatly filed away in the "walks of life" folder? I personally feel that my need to do this is out of a deep concern that I'm normal, boring, unoriginal. Which is ironic only because I spend the other half of my energy worrying that in fact I may just be abnormal afterall. Sometimes its exhausting living in a jilly world. I remember this one time my sister filled out some stupid facebook or email survey about me (that we all used to do in the beginning...don't act like you didn't), and upon being asked to describe me using terms such as "sporty, classy, etc" she instead said: she's just jill. I know, I remember the oddest things. But that's besides the point. Maybe I don't need a label or a category to belong in...i mean who really wants that anyway? I guess its that part of ourselves that still exists in 14-year old land where all we want in life is to fit somewhere. Maybe I'm okay with just being jill. I like jill, she's pretty cool...even with all of the unpredictability. Does that make me a bad person?

So, I guess i'm human....

2011-12-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

It can be a humbling (and even embarrassing) experience when we suddenly realize we have limits we didn't used to have. I've seen this type of thing happen with people such as my grandparents or even my own immediate family, but I guess I forgot that it can happen to me too. All I can tell you is I don't like it. At all. For the past little while I've been trying to define my own new limits as my ability to handle high stress has gone way down (hard to admit...i used to thrive amidst stress, especially at work). I say that like I have control of those limits, but I don't really. Not yet anyway. It's more like bumping into a brick wall head first and then realizing it exists. Mainly I spend most of my energy focused on the confines of my emotional and mental state. However this week I went crashing into a physical boundary that, quite frankly, upset me. My brother and I moved all of our big furniture that warranted a U-haul. Luckily we don't have much. Let me give you a little bit of back story....
I've always prided myself a little on my physical strength. Thanks to my dad, I inherited an abnormal amount of muscle for a girl and if you gripped my bicep you would think I lifted weights on the regular even when I don't. I could lift very heavy things without breaking a sweat. For the past year, I've been experiencing a great deal of physical pain...mostly joint and nerve pain. I've become progressively weaker and I'm not thrilled. Last night when we were trying to move stuff...I knew it was gonna be really hard for me. We lifted my brother's dresser and I thought my whole arm was gonna come off. We set it down and he went to try to call his buddies and see if someone could come help him. By the time he came back into the room, I was already in cry mode. We picked the dresser up and then he said, "Are you crying?" yes, yes i was. Why? because I was frustrated at how weak I had become. Frustrated at the pain that hit my joints immediately when I tried to lift something heavy. And I was embarrassed because I couldn't lift a stupid dresser with my brother. He of course told me I was being silly and shouldn't beat myself up over it. Limits...yeah...not a fan. I guess i'm human after all....

A Thankful Heart

2011-11-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

Leave it to me to do my "thanksgiving" post two days late. That's just how i roll. Besides, I'd hate to be predictable.
There are always little snapshots in time where I think about where I might be in my life a year from now. This of course leads me to look backwards and see where I was a year ago. Only one thing remains consistent...I am never where I thought i'd be. almost never anyway. Last year, I was just thankful to be alive...because most of the time I felt dead. Last year at this time, I had far since slid into a black hole that was spiraling downward. After wandering around down there in the dark for awhile I came across a little bit of luck and a lotta bit of miracle and stumbled upon an escalator back up. Fine by me, didn't want to take the stairs anyway. Which leads me to my first "thankful"...escalators. Literally and figuratively. Literal escalators are those fancy things that make me move up stairs faster-than-your-average jilbeez. My figurative escalator, however, exists in the form of God. Oh how grateful I am for His all-knowing wisdom in directing my life, and His unending love for me.
My second thankful is my family. i'm so blessed to have a functional disfunctional family. I feel lucky that I am close friends with all of my siblings and my parents. I hear horror stories from people who are alienated from their families and i can't even imagine what my life would be like if that were me. And I don't want to. I don't want to sound like I have favorites in my fam, because I don't, but I need to give a special shout out to my mother. She is truly one of the most selfless people i've ever known. She serves others before even thinking about herself. And she always has the time to pick up the phone and talk to me when I need a sounding board.
I'm so so thankful to have a new job. Stepping away from managing a crazy pizza store has already done wonders for me physically and mentally. It kind of fell in my lap at just the right time...proof that I have a Heavenly Father (with the help of a great friend) that is watching out for me. I have normal workday hours, 40 hours a week, much lower stress....its good people. very good.
Don't let me forget my friends now. Because I have some pretty fantastic ones. Many I don't get to see very much, but I still love them something fierce. And I'm grateful to have ones who actually seem to want to hang out with me. I'd hate to truly be a loner.
That leads me to my last-but-not-least thankful. My tests and trials. While they are not fun, they keep me on my toes. They keep me humble. They remind me to always look to my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm continually learning patience in the Lord's timing. I wouldn't be me without them.
I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving with their families!

So What?

2011-11-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

I am often amused at the extraordinary-ness and complexity of the human mind It's ability to do things against your will even in the awareness of what is going on is amazing. Let me give you a "for instance". The other night I was delivering a few pizzas...and by few i mean nobody wanted any that night. I was scheduled out at a specific time, but the owner came by to visit and we all got caught up in chit-chatting. We hadn't had a single order in almost an hour and as I went to get my stuff together so I could go home the phone started to ring. Apparently everyone had suddenly awakened at 10pm and wanted pizza. I ended up having to stay 2 hours past when I was scheduled out. Ordinarily this would have been no big deal...it was thanksgiving eve and I had no plans...and I needed the money considering our slowness earlier. Lately, however, quick changes in plans..no matter how small..throw me into a tizzy. I went full-blown freak out inside of myself. I got irritable, slightly explosive and my moods started swinging like a third grader at recess. I realized the ridiculousity of this, almost like i was sitting in my own passenger seat watching the flipping out, but yet i couldn't make it stop. I called my mom on my way back from a delivery just to process the frustration of it all. After about 45 minutes, the swings passed and I was exhausted from containing it inside rather than let it out on innocent bystanders. And all I could really do was laugh. Hey, it was either that or cry. I laughed because it makes no sense why I get like that. I laughed because even while i know this, I can't see it coming or stop it once it arrives. I laughed because people that see these episodes in me must think I'm a complete loon. Maybe I am...so what.

It's Complicated....

2011-11-03T22:17:00.000-06:00

Some days, i really want to write. But then i stop myself because i figure nobody really wants to read about what i want to write about. And then i hem and haw over whether to write anyways because i feel compelled or go with the whole "i'm in hiding" act. Do you see this? This is kind of characteristic of my life lately. I go back and forth about whether i like my job or hate it. I go back and forth between feeling "normal" (whatever that is) and feeling like i'm stuck in some alternate reality pinball game where my life is the machine and i'm the ball. And most notably, as of late, I go back and forth between accepting my reality and thinking this is all a big mistake. Either way, my life is...to put it mildly...complicated.

I guess really what there is to do is figure out what there is to do. And by that I mean "what is my next step."

There is only one word that comes to mind..."Acceptance." Problem is, I don't know how. Let's take last week for example. I felt fantastic. Normal. No pain, no real irritability. No swift mood shifts. No bad panic attacks. It was great. I miss feeling like that. Lucky me...i got to feel like that almost all week. I started having ideas for the future. I started making plans for going back to school or steps to starting my own business. I started having this conversation with myself: "I'm not really bipolar. My doctor was mistaken. See? This is all blowing over. Maybe it's just something i've been eating or because i haven't been taking the best care of myself. Maybe pretty soon I will feel steady enough to come off my medication." etc, etc. Remember how sometimes when you rave about something great, either you or your friend over there will say "sssssshhhhhhhh....don't jinx it!" yeah. jinxed it. this girl over here.

You know what I don't get? How quickly it can all change. Like one day I feel fine...i'm in a good mood. The next day, i feel like i'm in the battle of my lifetime. It literally takes every ounce of my life force energy (as i like to call it) to hold it somewhat together, to not let my mind go through that door. After all, I don't want to flip in front of that person there, or that person over there. They might think i'm crazy if they knew what was going on inside of me. What would they really think then? What do my friends think? What does my mom or my dad or my sister or my brothers think? Really people. It's exhausting in every sense of the word. And why do i care so much about what other people think? Are they going through it? no. well, some of them do because of their interaction with me, but they don't reaaaaaallly get it. Maybe I don't want to write about it because I'm worried people think I should hide it. Or that I should just snap out of it. Or that I just need to think about other things. But you know, how can I help other people if I stay quiet? And how can I help myself? I can't help by being quiet, and so I won't. First step....acceptance. It may take awhile. It's complicated.

Just Focus and Go Deep

2011-10-24T23:55:00.000-06:00

Tonight while I was driving around in my car I was listening to a lecture given by Brad Feld at Stanford University on entrepreneurship. Brad graduated from MIT and has started, sold, and invested in many successful business ventures. Despite the fact that i cringe at the way he pronounces "entrepreneur" (which i will forgive him for. Poor guy is too smart for his own good.), he is pretty fun to listen to. After the lecture, he opened up the mic for a Q and A session. One student asked Brad what MIT taught him about entrepreneurship. His response was: "I don't think MIT helped me as an entrepreneur. What MIT did was teach me how to think. My experience was very simple. MIT was a constant assault on my self-esteem. From day one all the way through. continuous. I was top of my class in high school and got a 20 on my first physics class at MIT. What do you do when you are 17 years old, fresh into college and get a 20 on your first test? You go to your room, shut the door and cry for an hour. But I look back on it and it taught me how to go deep on a problem, and stay on a problem even if I was lost, and keep doing it and digging at it until I got somewhere. You just focus and go deep."
Here's why i loved what he said: There comes a time in our lives, several times even, where we look at our lives and realize we have no idea what the crap is going on. Or atleast that's my experience. Half the time I feel like my life is characterized by a run-a-way horse and I'm the goofy pig-tailed girl flopping around behind it hanging on for dear life. Through it all, I've been blessed to learn that a loving Heavenly Father is at the reigns and I just have to "focus and go deep" and keep trying to fight my way back up to the saddle. Right now I feel lost about a lot of things...my health, my next step...but I know I must be patient and put first things first. So I'm going to focus....focus on my health and doing what i can to feel better so I can move foward. And so I start my cleanse tomorrow...ready or not (and i'm not, but what the hey). I'm gonna have to dig deep in the beginning. Its no easy feat to cut out all processed things, my beloved caffeine, dairy, bread, sugar, etc. But I have to keep my eye on the prize and know it will be worth it to not feel like i'm dying every day if this helps. So thank you Brad for your words of encouragement, even if they were meant for business and not my personal issues. "Focus and Go Deep" just might make it up on my wall with some of my other favorites such as being "Creatively Disciplined" and practicing "Diligent Joy". I'll leave you with those thought provoking little tidbits....

"I'm waiting for my friend...."

2011-10-21T22:21:00.000-06:00

We all have the occasional awkward and unusual encounter with perfect strangers out in public. I thought i'd share my latest.

My friend stefanie needed a ride to the airport in the middle of the night/early morning so i volunteered because a) i'm usually up at odd hours of the night and b) i'm awesome. Don't forget that. We stopped to get gas on our way out of winston and I went in to stock up on caffeine since I was already feeling a little tired and i had atleast 3 hours driving until i got back home. As i went to get my drink of choice, i ended up in a minor altercation with the door of the cooler thingy. Don't laugh...it was hard people. I approached the counter to pay and, being my usual friendly self, made a joke about the drink cooler being jill-proof. Nothing. No laugh, no obligatory "i hear ya", not even a smile. Just a blank stare from the girl. okay fine, no talking. you hate your job. i get it. I was about to walk out the door when i hear behind me a random "I'm waiting for my friend."

I turn around to face the counter girl and find her about 5 feet away, holding a shiny dime in the air.
"Do you see how shiny it is?" she asked, clear excitement in her voice.
"I do...that is one shiny dime you have there" I replied.
"Do you know what year it's from? 1964!" she exclaimed, "This dime is real silver, not like the ones we have today."
"Oh," I said, "Are you a coin collector?" (I should note that i'm now half inside, half outside the door with stefanie just watching and waiting for me, probably wondering what the heck kind of conversation i got myself into now)
"No, I don't care about coins. I just save them for my customer friend. He comes in almost every night to get coffee. He trades me cookout shakes for them."
"Hey now, that's a nice trade!" I told her. I then waved and smiled and hurried out the door before she could keep going. Its not that i'm mean, i just have places to be.

So here's my question, a point that stefanie made as i recounted the story once we were back on the road. If she trades the coins for cookout shakes, does that mean her drawer is always off at the end of the night? Certainly she "buys" the coins from the store first. And what was with the silent act until i'm almost out the door? As for the encounter....Strange? kinda. I've had much stranger. Awkward? Definitely. But hey, it's these kind of things that make life interesting, yeah?

You Can Make Your Pathways Bright....

2011-10-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I have a hard time accepting my reality. And so, in order to deal with it, i choose not to deal with it. Instead I find myself waiting....waiting for the day when "it" is over. Whatever "it" is. Somedays its being depressed. Somedays its being overweight. Somedays its being irritable or anxious. Somedays its the pain that has taken over my body. Speaking of that pain....did you know it is a 3 month wait to see a specialist? 3 MONTHS. My doctor recently got lab work back that warrants sending me to see a rheumatologist. My appointment is literally not until january. I guess its a good thing i'm not dying. Just one more thing to wait for. But you know what? I'm so so so so sick of waiting. I'm sick of not being able to get out of bed until I absolutely have to. I'm sick of being energetic and happy one minute and being irrationally angry the next. I'm sick of crying for no apparent reason except that i feel guilty for my mood swings or my lack of willpower lately. I just want to be ON THE PATH....on the path to healing, in whatever form that is going to be. Does my medication help? absolutely...and i'm grateful to have it right now while i'm learning to cope with all of this. But I don't really fancy being on medication for the rest of my life. That's right, i said fancy. There are things going on with me that I legit cannot control. But there are things that i can, things that i can do for myself that will make my path easier. Like getting more sleep (check on that one...almost too much if i do say so myself), eliminating foods from my diet that don't support healing, less stress (doing well with that one too...go ahead, pat me on the back. i don't bite). Why have I not done many of these things already? Well, please feel free to reference that sentence up there....yeah, that one about the willpower. I don't know why except that i just...couldn't. (Please keep all of your opinions about my willpower to yourself, they won't help my guilt problem.) And so, I can see my path....all lit up and lined with rows of spinach. Imma gonna go get my Popeye on....anyone wanna come with?

Letting Go

2011-10-15T01:10:00.000-06:00

I've always thought that I was someone who forgave easily. "Forgive and Forget" seemed like something i was pretty good at....until i discovered that it wasn't. I've admitted to myself recently that i never really forget. Bothered by this, I've often wondered if that means I don't truly forgive people. I certainly want to. Maybe I just don't really know how. I suppose I can't "forgive and forget" properly because I look at the situation selfishly. How could they possible do this to me after I've loved them so much, how can they not understand me, why can't they just love me for me when I love them for them?...etc. You know the drill. When I look at most of my heartbreaks over something or another, I realize it was hardly about me at all. It had to do with them. Still, I struggle with letting go. Letting go of my hurt, letting go of my victim-hood....because at some point along the way I've earned the right to feel jaded. OH THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL! Laughable, am I right?

Being faced with the need to let go isn't easy for me. Especially not when it comes to matters of the heart. Those who know me know I love deeply no matter what the relationship. But sometimes the love you have for someone needs to be set free...so that you can truly move on and be happy for them in their life's events as they become separate from yours. I've learned that the longer I've loved, the harder it is to let that love go. I refuse to feel like all those years of loving are for naught. Instead I will try to find happiness in the lessons learned and the memories shared, and feel gratitude for opportunity I had to feel love in my heart. And then, with only a slight grimace, I will wish them all the happiness they can bear in this life and let go of them once and for all.

My House of Horrors

2011-10-14T12:55:00.000-06:00

I was at my sister's house yesterday when she asked me "hey jill, do you ever feel anxious when delivering pizzas?" I knew she was referring to that horrible time i was robbed at gunpoint and they jacked my car while on a delivery. I answered yes to that question, but surprisingly not because of the robbery.

I recently stepped down from my position as a general manager and took on the role of special events manager (wake forest football games, basketball games, concerts, etc) due to health reasons. Because special events only takes up a day or two a week, i fill in my time by running some shifts here and there and mostly driving. I was transferred to a store that has quite the abundance of country. At night sometimes i find myself delivering to houses out in the middle of the woods where, upon driving up to the house, i think to myself "wow this would be a fantastic setting for a horror movie." And while that might seem funny to most people, we all know my inability to tolerate movies like that. So, what makes me anxious? The other night I was delivering to a customer. It was rainy and dark, and as i curved back and forth on the back-country road I started to come up on a small bridge over a little creek when it happened...a flashback. One i hadn't thought about in a while, or at least since the last time it was rainy and i crossed over a bridge like that in the middle of nowhere.

I was eight years old. My dad, my sister, my brother and I had all been in High Point visiting my grandparents. It was pouring....like flash flood type of pouring. As the roads even became flooded my dad decided we needed to hurry and get home before it got worse. In those days, the best way to get to High Point was by back road i believe. My dad had a pickup truck with one of those camper tops on it. We often sat back there on bean bags (yes, lets hear the collective gasp. These were in the days before "click it or ticket"...ya'll remember, right?) Anyway, I remember looking out the window and being amazed at the flooding that was happening. Knowing me, i was probably also a little paranoid. We were driving near the Davidson/Forsyth county line when we came upon Muddy Creek. There was a car ahead with flashers. And when we looked to the left....there was a large woman stumbling up the creek bank covered in blood. Those of you who know me know that this quickly became a jill-unfriendly experience. My dad pulled over and hopped out of the car. Apparently this woman and her fiance (they were to be married the next day) had run off the road and into the over-flowing creek. The car was in the creek bed and the water was so high that the car could not be seen. She was bloody from fighting to get out of the car and fighting her way up the briar-infested bank. Her fiance had not made it out of the car. My dad came back to the truck to get a rope...he was going to tie himself to the bridge and jump in to try and save him. I was terrified watching this all from the truck. I kept fearing that the bloody woman would come up to the truck window where us kids were....and i was very scared of her. I was further terrified when i saw that my dad was going to jump in the now rushing river. As my dad prepared to go, he got a strong impression that it was too late and he need not risk his life by jumping in. Now as an adult, i cannot imagine the horror that woman went through, not to mention losing her fiance the day before their wedding.

Whenever i cross a small creek bridge on a rainy day or night, the fear of that experience comes back to me like a flash of lightning. And then i get a feeling of gratitude....gratitude that i have a father that had the courage and compassion to try and save a stranger. gratitude for the knowledge of what happens when we die. gratitude for a loving Savior that comforts us in trying times such as when we lose a loved one or when we are scared. And gratitude in that same Savior who paved the way for us so that we can live again.

Hot Dog! That There's a Weiner....

2011-09-27T23:56:00.000-06:00

I know that according to any of you PETA people out there, this probably shouldn't be funny.

News flash: it is.

Part 2

2011-09-15T00:17:00.000-06:00

The way i just wrote that whole story seems so clinical. I hate writing that way. But I wanted to give those I love the history...so that maybe they could understand what i've been dealing with, and maybe they could look back and see the signs that were in front of us all. Here's the thing....I can't wrap my own head around it. I don't know how to get you to understand. I don't know what this means going forward. But I do know one thing....this too has its purpose. Maybe its just my inner hypochondriac speaking, but I've always known I would have to deal with some kind of illness, and that it would be significant in my life. Maybe that's even why I get so freaked out about every little ache and pain. I mean really...i'm quite obsessive about it. Annoyingly so, some might say ;). I was prepared as much as I could be for some kind of physical illness. I was in no way prepared for a mental one. I mean, I know myself....people like me don't have a mental illness, right? I know that logically its an absurd thought, but it's one that apparently i'm fighting against. Moving forward, i want to ask for everyone's patience. This is a frustrating time for me, and I know its frustrating for some of you that are closest to me. But it's all going to work out, and I know that because God always has a purpose. And I will discover that purpose and use it for good. That is my promise.

It's Not Easy Being Green....I mean Blue.

2011-09-14T23:57:00.001-06:00

"It's the loneliest feeling in the world--to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking towards something, or if you're just walking away."

I didn't write that quote, but i most certainly can identify with it. I've been trying to decide how to write about this subject. The reality is I don't know how. But i'm going to anyway, because it's important. It's important because i need to be heard. It's important because somewhere out there somebody is going through what i have, and nobody wants to talk about it. So I will.

I think I've spent most of my life feeling a little like an outcast. I felt like that with my friends growing up, I felt like that with my family....It wasn't anything they did or didn't do, I just felt that way. Like i was holding my breath, waiting for them to run away from me. This may come as a shock to those who have known me my whole life because I never really talked about it, but its true. I guess as I got older I just assumed everyone felt that way. And maybe they do....I believe we all have it in us to feel scared we aren't enough in some way. When I was in middle school I began to notice my tendency to drop into what I know now was depressive episodes. It was intense, and I remember specifically being in 7th grade, lying on my bed to the glow of christmas lights I had hung in my room, listening to music I had recorded from the radio. I remember crying myself to sleep sometimes, just because i felt misunderstood or sad. I didn't talk about it because I didn't know how. I was afraid I wasn't normal. The first real time i remember atleast trying to talk about it was with my friend i've known the longest in this world. She was staying the night, and while we laid in our respective beds I just began crying. She heard me sniffling and asked what was wrong. I couldn't tell her because I didn't know. She probably doesn't even remember that experience, but I do.

In high school I forgot about that stuff mostly...I was too busy trying to find where I fit and having fun. You see, I have these two sides to me. On one hand I can be talkative, energetic and a ton of fun. On the other I can be broody, quiet and extremely introverted. I've always done my best writing during those times by the way. Looking back I wish I would have recognized things for what they were. But I was so afraid of being different, afraid of being weak or fragile. Surely everyone else felt just like this too, right? I tell you all this now because some people might ask "well where did this come from out of the blue?" It's not out of the blue. You just didn't know about it.

The past three years especially have been my very own version of Dante's Inferno. My experiences themselves haven't been that bad per se, but strictly speaking about the raging battle inside of me. And now i'm just tired. The pivotal moment i'm sure was being car-jacked three years ago. That really became the catalyst for what was to come. As a result of that event, I felt like everything I had ever struggled with came back to the surface to haunt me. After the panic attacks started came a really really bad bout with depression. I'm not sure i would have survived through that as well had it not been for an angel during that period of time. She knows who she is. It was very apparent for me why I had been sent there to her and her family. I needed her and she needed me. Funny how Heavenly Father works things out like that, ya know? It wasn't until after I had been struggling with panic attacks and depression for some time that I finally sought counseling. It took them about 10 minutes to diagnose me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The sessions helped and i refused medication because i didn't believe in it. Not for me anyway. Plus i was hanging on to the hope that it would all just go away. During this time I also developed a bit of social anxiety. I had never dealt with that before, and I watched myself helplessly as I became flaky....I would be on my way to some event or meeting and just turn around and go home. I just couldn't face other people sometimes. I don't like flaky people, because I had never been that. It was really hard for me because I couldn't control it. I would go home and find the smallest space in my room to hide in. There was a small space between my bed and the wall that was my favorite. That summer I moved home and started feeling a bit better, so I thought i was in the clear....foolish me. As I moved again and began the stressful schedule of going to school full time and working full time, the panic attacks got worse. way worse. The only thing that made me really feel better was to call my mom or go to Provo to hang out with my brother and his wife. I should have sought help, but I just kept holding on to that hope that one day it would just stop. I'm not sure at what point exactly that it happened, but the panic attacks took over my life. I'm talking full on panic disorder. Sometimes a few times a week, sometimes a few times a day. Sometimes they even lasted ALL day. Wanna know what a panic attack feels like? Pretend you are having a heart attack and there is nobody to help you, you feel the terror as the reality sets in that you are getting ready to die and can't do anything to stop it. That's what it feels like. It seems extreme and over dramatic, but its the truth. It is very traumatic. Over and over again. Even just thinking about it now makes my skin crawl. Can you see how this could make you depressed? Through it all i just began to feel numb...mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

My sister once said I wear my panic attacks like a badge of honor. You're darn right I do. I've earned it. It's the toughest thing i've ever had to deal with, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Not a soul. So I will feel proud of myself for making it through all of that completely unmedicated. I felt like xanax was a cop-out, even when i wanted something to make me feel calm. I didn't want an addiction problem either. As I moved back to NC and took on a very stressful job, things just got worse. Panic attacks, depression....I ended up back in counseling this spring. This guy was awesome, but we made a lot of ground and I felt like I was done. And that was a mistake. During this time I also started talking to my doctor about my panic attacks. I had decided I was ready to try medication because it wouldn't go away and I was just so tired of fighting. Of course I picked the one doctor who doesn't believe in medication until absolutely necessary...and I'm really grateful for that. At the time not so much. I saw him several times over the next few months before he finally suggested something for my anxiety. Physically everything checked out, so he put me on an anti-depressant that is commonly used for anxiety disorders. At first I thought it was okay...i was sleeping a bit better. But the side effects were a doozy and I didn't much care for them. about the time the medication was supposed to kick in, I ended up at the beach with my family for vacation. I noticed that week that not only did my anxiety pick back up, but I also was feeling kind of empty again...depressed. The next few weeks, my anxiety and panic attacks got way worse, my mood swings escalated, my fatigue was incredibly bad....it really is kind of a blur to be honest. I ended up in the hospital because I had the worst panic attack i've probably ever had (which is saying alot) and couldn't stop crying. They pulled me off the medication and I went to see my doctor. After a very long conversation detailing my experience on the anti-depression, the nature of my panic attacks, and other things, he said "I'm about 95% sure you're bipolar." Let me just tell you, I never wanted to hear something like that. I've been devastated ever since. But something about it resonated in my gut...almost like i knew. I knew he was right. He told me that one of the quickest ways to tell if someone was bipolar was to put them on a unipolar medication and watch them get worse. We still have some tests to do before the definitive diagnosis, but I just kind of know. I can't explain how, but I know my own truth.

Just Some Jilly Thoughts

2011-09-10T21:43:00.000-06:00

I just want you all to know that I've had a ton to write about this past month. I just haven't because i didn't know what to write. Does that make any sense at all? If there were a word to describe both fantastic and horrible at the same time, I would rename the month of August. I had so much fun with my family as we went down to the beach and spent some time together. My brother and his wife (along with their two adorable kids) came to NC and we were all together for the first time since before they had kids. I never wanted it to end, and i never wanted them to go back. I've been in such a struggle for some time now, and it finally reached its pinnacle this past month. So that beach trip...it was more than just a vacation from my job. It was a vacation from myself. I truly truly desire to start writing more in depth about some of my struggles, and feel like i should do so. But i've been holding back because i'm scared. Scared of what people i love will think. Scared you will all think i'm being way too personal, or that i want pity or attention, or that i'm just being dramatic. Scared you won't take me seriously. But i have a drive that is beyond all of you, not because i don't love you, but because I feel like I have a duty to write about my experiences so that someone out there, someone who doesn't have the amazing support system I do, will know that they aren't alone. Because alone is sometimes a very scary place to be.

Musical Musings

2011-08-03T02:01:00.001-06:00

I was listening to some music and decided i'd let the music and a few excellent songwriters do the writing for me tonight. These are a few of my favorite songs, by the way. Hope you like them!

Never a Dull Day...

2011-07-28T02:26:00.000-06:00

I always joke that I have so much hope in humanity until i go to work and deal with the general public. That actually held true today. There are a few things i just can't understand, such as how people think they can bully someone into getting what they want for free, and feel perfectly entitled to do just that. I realize its a bad time out there in the economy right now, but really enough is sometimes enough. Some days, all i want customers to understand is that we are a business and not the local soup kitchen. Hopefully you all get that instead of just thinking i'm insensitive. Anyway, enough of my ramblings and on with today's jilly adventure....

Today was going normal enough. I guess that should have been my first clue that something interesting was lurking around the corner. You see, normal isn't really my style. The day moved slowly...too slow for my taste. So i sent everyone home and then promptly got kicked in the tail. Apparently everyone in my delivery area decided that 10 pm was prime dinner time. I must have missed that memo...probably floating around somewhere in my office. A few minutes before close the phone rang. Some students ordered $57 in food. 6 pizzas, 3 orders of wings...paying cash. Now i've been in this business for a long time. An order that big for some students this late at night to that school and paying cash...it reeked of scam to me. I instructed my people to hold off making the order until i could do a call back to confirm the order. I called the number they gave us and was immediately sent to voicemail. I left a message and began cleaning up the store while i waited. After 10 minutes and no call back, i decided to try again. This time i got them on the phone, they confirmed and i made the order. I thought no more of it until about 30 minutes later. The phone rang and i answered explaining we were closed. It was the students. The girl on the phone claimed that they just received her order and all of the pizzas were ruined like they had been dropped upside down and she would like her money back. No problem, our policy is to remake or refund...and my oven had been off for 25 minutes so refund it is. I thought it interesting that all of the pizzas were ruined so i asked her to send pictures to my cell phone of the pizzas so i could show the driver and question him about his handling of the pizzas. I told her that once she did that i would call the driver and have him turn around to return her money. 5 minutes went by without receiving the pictures. Finally she called back and said she sent the pictures to me. I told her i didn't receive them. She didn't address that at all, and instead said:

Her: So i was thinking...we deserve 6 new pizzas.
Me: Okay, so you'd like a remake instead of a refund?
Her: No, i still want my money back. But i'm unsatisfied and your job is to make me happy. So i also want 6 new pizzas. That would make me satisfied.
Me: (realizing something is off here) So how many of the pizzas were ruined?
Her: Well, two. But because we were inconvenienced i want all 6.
Me: (dang my temper). Okay, first of all I explained you could get either a remake or a refund. I want to help you, but you do not have the right to call me up in a threatening tone and make ridiculous demands that i cannot and will not do.
Her: Excuse me? In case you forgot, i'm the customer. And the customer is always right.
Me: I will give you the money back for the pizzas that were ruined, but not all of it.
Her: (She begins yelling and everyone in the background...around 15 people...is cursing at me now)
Me: Ma'am, if we are going to work this out I need you to stop yelling and listen to what i am saying (I always say this to a yelling customer, and it almost never works. I use this as a precursor to hanging up on them, because once they are yelling and out of control like that, no progress is ever made. just fyi.)
Me: Ma'am, i need the yelling to stop or i will have to hang up the phone
(She hangs up so i don't have to)
(She calls back)
Her: I decided i'll just take all the money back. I'm willing to drop the 6 pizzas.
Me: Well, like i said, I can give you the money for the ruined pizzas. But the chicken was fine and so were 4 of the other pizzas
Her: You act like you don't trust me. I just spent 57 dollars for some food, why would i try to play you?
Me: Because you just spent 57 dollars and you are a student.
Her: Well i want my money back. all of it.
Me: I tell you what. Since we are having a disconnect here, i'm going to give you the franchise office number and someone will call you tomorrow about getting your money back
Her: No i want it tonight. I'm coming up there.
Me: Well ma'am, we won't be here. We're getting ready to leave for the night.
(She hangs up)

It's really a shame a typed up version of a conversation cannot portray tone properly. That was the key in this conversation for me. I knew what she was trying to do. Trust me, i've done this long enough. I was sitting in the office, finishing up some end of the day stuff when i hear some banging at the door and one of my drivers say "Jill, call 911." I peak my head around the corner and sure enough, a guy was trying to pull the locked door open and shouting "you better open this *&^%* door!!!". Um....no thanks. I saw the three girls behind him and new we had our lovely student group here to get their money. I picked up the phone and called the police. While i described the situation to the dispatcher, they kept yanking on the door so hard i thought it was going to come off the hinges. And they kept pointing at me and yelling for me to open the door "or else." Imagine their dismay when two cop cars rolled in. The officer came in and i explained what was going on. He said they had the pizzas with them. I told him i would be willing to reimburse them for the ruined ones, which i had explained to them on the phone. I told him what they had demanded, and he said "well, that's ridiculous! no business can just give stuff away like that!" EXACTLY!!! Ah, i love it when the police take my side. (its happened twice this week). Anyway, he brought that one girl in, we talked, i offered a partial refund and she accepted. I noticed how quiet she was. Where did the bully go? I took the time to nicely explain to her why i was only offering a partial refund and where this whole situation went wrong. She looked at the floor the whole time and simply said "well if you would have just told me that"........? really? I only told her that how many times? I gave her the money and had the police remove them from the property. The officer came back and said to me..."Listen, i deal with the public just as much as you. Don't people just baffle you? Some people you just can't get through to..." Amen, sir. Just another interesting day in the books. And that's part of the reason i love my job...its always different. Not that i like all that drama. I remember when i was in utah a guy was upset about a pizza and threw a bottle at me so hard it dented the wall behind me...really dented it. He had aimed for my face but luckily i ducked and it missed. I remember watching the slow-mo replay from the cameras and one of the drivers saying "nice reflexes!" I guess i owe it to playing all those sports growing up. I just can't imagine why people get so upset about pizza that they are willing to do things worthy of being thrown in jail? I mean come one people, its just some dough, tomato sauce and cheese. Is that really worth it?

Community

2011-07-25T20:02:00.000-06:00

I've spent a lot of time feeling lonely. And by lonely i don't just mean single. I mean that i haven't felt like i really "fit" anywhere in a while. I think the last time i really felt like i was a part of something was when i lived in Maryland. I really loved my ward there and felt like i was an integral member to that ward family. But since then, i have mainly felt like an outsider just passing through....at school in Salt Lake City, in my single's ward there, in my ward now after i moved home and even sometimes at work. I suspect that mainly it is because i've been so "busy". This whole past year felt like a whirlwind resembling the likes of a category 5 rolling across Florida. Its been fast and intense. But lately that has begun to change. A few months ago i was starting to feel antsy, that feeling i get when i'm about to be struck by my next nomadic escapade. It reminded me of a talk i once heard a few years ago given by Wendy Watson Nelson. She said, speaking of feeling antsy, "It may mean that your spirit is restless because you need to do either something different or more than you are presently doing." But the strike never came...not in the way it usually does. Instead I noticed that i started to feel more at home again here in Winston. I felt that urge to be a part of my ward, to get to know people there. Yesterday, as i was driving home from a meeting at church, i had the overwhelming feeling that i was right where i was supposed to be...in my job, in my calling at church...and it felt so good it literally brought a smile to my face. Today i was further reminded of that as I walked in to Walgreens down the street from my apartment to pick up a few things. I was almost immediately greeted by name from a regular customer of mine at work who was standing in the checkout line. A few isles over i saw someone i knew from church. And because i often pop in there after work (gotta love places open 24 hours!), the guy behind the counter saw me in line and said "hey! haven't seen you in a few days. how's it going?" While i know this makes me sound like i must go to Walgreens every day, i promise i only go in there like twice a week. The real moral of the story is this....i felt such a strong sense of community. For a fleeting moment, i felt a wave of nostalgia for the small Everwood-esque town i never lived in (do any of you remember that show?). It just feels good to feel like a part of something for the first time in a long time...without all that nosy neighboring and small town drama...

I Mean...For Reals?

2011-07-24T23:41:00.000-06:00

So I just happened to be hopping my way through cyberspace and came upon something that, quite frankly, is somewhat disturbing. And i want your opinion...so let's play pretend for a moment, shall we? Okay, close your eyes for a second (or maybe don't...that might hinder the whole reading thing we got going on here). Pretend that money is literally no object. No money attachment whatsoever. Now tell me....what is the absolute most you would pay for a pizza? $100? $200? How about $4200? Yes, you read that right...4200 DOLLARS. Well it happened my friends. Homedude right here, Domenico Crolla, created a pizza that sold for just that.

It comes topped with cognac-marinated lobster, champagne soaked caviar, and get this....edible flakes of 24-carat gold. I kid you not. I mean, i won't lie I make a dang good pie...but flakes of gold? And all i can think about is the absurdity of it when we have people out of work, starving children, etc. But i guess as long as some rich guy is happy....

Tender Mercies

2011-07-23T22:58:00.000-06:00

July has it in for me. The whole month. As of today, i have officially disowned July as my birthday month. Because no month that is attached to such a wonderful occasion as a person's entry into this world would ever do this to me. In fact, these last few weeks have been nothing but an experiment in the elasticity of my sanity. But i guess when your month starts out with waking up to a strange man standing in your apartment, it doesn't exactly bode well. That sanity i just spoke of....it almost failed me today. completely. Luckily i was saved at the last second...but i'll get to that later. You see, last night my walk-in cooler at work went out again. The 4th time in 3 weeks. And so last night found me, yet again, moving all of the food out of it, stuffing it into the makeline and coke cooler and shipping the rest of it off in shifts to another store. To say that i am annoyed at this process is an understatement. I left work at 2 something and had to be back at 9 a.m. I knew i had the whole cooler thing to deal with so i was already counting on it being an interesting day. After a 4 hour nap, i woke up to find a voicemail from my opening driver explaining that he was sick and couldn't make it in. Nice. I tried to call a few drivers but to no avail...dread for the day was already starting to build up at this point. Luckily one of my drivers answered and agreed to come in early to cover, which made me feel a little better. (the driver that had called in did call back to make sure i had gotten his message, and upon hearing the stress in my voice came in anyway despite not feeling well.) This feeling was short lived, however, because as i backed out of my driveway (i made sure i looked...the hedge makes it very hard to see) i suddenly heard a giant thud against my car. looking frantically around and seeing nothing, i glanced in my rear view mirror and saw a bicycle wheel scrunched against my rear windshield. Panic set in as i thought the worst...what if i had hit a child? Already starting to cry, i threw my car in park, jumped out and ran to the back of my car. There i found a grown man, my neighbor, on the ground. His wife (who had been reading on their porch and heard the noise) was already sprinting across their yard towards us. Another neighbor working out in his yard was also running across the road. As i began to apologize and ask the man if he was hurt, all three of them began yelling at me.."are you crazy? don't you know how to look when you *&%$# back up? You just hit a cyclist. What the *&^%$ were you thinking?" Completely shaken up by what had happened, i tried to blink through the tears and tirades and focus on the man i had hit. I again asked him if he was hurt. He replied he was fine, jumped up, said some nasty words to me and rode on towards his house. I asked his wife if we should call someone and she said "no, we know where you live. We'll find you if we need to." The neighbor across the street apparently didn't feel done yelling at me despite my tears, apologies and explaining that i didn't see him when i had looked (he had come quickly around the corner on the sidewalk near my driveway after i had looked that direction and proceeded to back up...not to excuse myself, i'm just sayin...) I yelled back that i understood the situation and did not need his input to make me feel any worse. He glared at me then went back to his yard. I stood there for a moment, crying, mouth agape at what had so quickly occurred and called my mom (because, you know, moms have that way of making everything better). My first thought was that the people were going to try to sue me, since they didn't hang around to have any type of conversation about what happened. So I went to their door and knocked. nothing. i rang the bell. nothing. Then I called the police on myself. The officer showed up, i told him what happened, did the whole info swap thing and then he went to their door. Of course they answered for him. After about 10 minutes he came back out and told me the man had said his bike was fine. His ankle was a little jacked up and already wrapped and had ice on it, but he refused medical services when the officer asked him. The officer told me that they seemed surprised i had called the police, but that i had done the right thing. He explained that because i had filed the report, I was now protected if they later tried to sue me for medical bills because they refused help and fled the scene first. I felt better, mainly because Mr. Officer here was incredibly cute (hey, it made my mood a little better) and nice. And the neighbor across the street came back to apologize to me for yelling. He said that clearly i was upset and his yelling didn't help anything. No sir, i assure you it did not. We shook hands and i was on my way to work. I won't lie...i cried all the way to my store. I was late, my store was outta whack because of the walk-in...yeah those first several hours were rough. Finally i had gotten more calm. In the afternoon, the repair guys came and fixed my walk-in, so i began trying to get all the food back into there, started trying to coordinate drivers to go pickup the food that was at the other store (several trips...ugh), etc. And of course, right then the food truck pulled up to deliver my next shipment. I was not ready. At the same time, we started getting very busy. and then up came the stress level again and I started to lose it this time. I wonder what it would look like to walk into a food place and see the person running the store sobbing while they make pizzas and answer phones. Because that was what was going down at my store today. All the stress of this past month had finally hit its pinnacle. I thought i was going to break...or walk out. And was about to that point where i could not take any more for one more second when my cell phone rang. I looked at it and saw it was my brother Joseph. Because Joseph doesn't call me that often due to his busy schedule, i wanted to answer despite being busy. When i said hello, however, instead of my brother's voice i heard the sweet sweet voice of his 2 1/2 year old daughter Claire. "I love you Jill, I miss you Jill" Then she sang (without even knowing about my mood) "if you chance to meet a frown, do not let it stay. Quickly turn it upside down and smile that frown away." At this point, i was weeping. I want you all to know...Claire never calls me. Its been over a year since i've seen her and she only remembers me by pictures. Even when i talk to Joseph and he tries to get her on the phone, she rarely gets on to talk to me. And here she was, giving me the most precious gift of her sweet voice and song at exactly the moment i needed it. After she was done, she handed the phone back to her dad. We talked a few minutes about some beach stuff (only 3 more weeks!!!!) and then he told me, "sorry to bother you, but Claire insisted we call you right now." And in that moment i knew....I was receiving a tender mercy from the Lord. I know we all believe different things, but let me tell you this. I think the Lord knew what i needed in that moment. And that little girl was the answer. For whatever reason, she knew she needed to call her Aunt Jill. And i could not be more grateful. My mood picked up considerably after that. Then my friend Stefanie stopped by to order pizza and give me a much needed hug. At the end of the shift, a GM (and friend) from another store stopped in to kidnap me. I had vented to her earlier in the day, and she felt i needed a drink. (don't worry, it was sans alcohol). It was nice to just sit and relax and enjoy my virgin strawberry daiquiri with someone that cared enough about my day and my sanity to take me out. As stressful as this month has been for me, there have been those tender mercies along the way just like those today to give me strength and remind me that God is mindful of me. And that I am loved.

Body Lovin'

2011-07-22T03:00:00.001-06:00

Yep, its me again...at 4 a.m. How ya doin. Probably sleeping, yeah? Maybe i'll give that a shot someday. I hear it does wonders. My best friend said something to me tonight that i can't get out of my head. She had asked me about a career goal of mine. I had responded that yes, it was still a goal. I asked her why she thought of that (as it came up very randomly) to which she said..."I just think it is your destiny." I joked with her "destiny, huh?" yada yada yada and then she said. "yes, you were destined for greatness." boom. serious boom. I can't shake that statement. Now i want to be clear, when i think of greatness i don't necessarily think of fame or fortune. But I do think that achieving greatness is having a positive and great impact on your world. Your world may be just your family, or at work, or those in your geographical region. It might literally be the whole world as we know it. This series of thoughts led me to remember a portion of a mantra i had created during a life coaching session once, something that spoke to me: "I inspire my world." Because that is what i want. I want to inspire others to pursue happiness and achieve greatness, whatever that means for them. But i also realize i have to start with myself. Tonight as I was reading about learning to be at peace with my body as it is right now and the empowerment that can come from that to propel myself forward, i wondered what that would possibly feel like. There have been only snapshot moments in time where i have felt okay and accepting of my body in its various sizes and stages. (After having several children, my sister once joked that looking through her closet was like taking a trip through "the various sizes of Laura." I have that same experience when looking through mine, only without the whole bearing children thing on my resumé as a worthy excuse). But do you know what i can remember easily? All the moments where i felt horrified by my body. You know how you do all those group get-to-know-you games and there is always that question: What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? Well I always replied i didn't have one. I generally attributed that to the fact that i had a father who delighted in trying to embarrass his children. Kinda makes the skin tough to those kind of things. The truth? I definitely have one. And nobody knows about it (except for the people that were actually there). But i'm going to share it with you, because it was a pivotal moment for me in developing a more in-depth hatred for my body and my "situation". And in order to begin accepting and finding peace with my body, i need to find peace with this story which means sharing it with all of you. When i was about 19, i went to the fair with a group of close friends. We were having a good time, riding rides and doing whatever it is you do at the fair. At one point, there was this one ride we all wanted to get on. It looked exciting, and being the ride lover that i am, i couldn't wait. On this ride you had your individual little seat (actually you were standing) and a bar came across your shoulders and locked you into place so you wouldn't go flying into davidson county when you started being whipped around here, there and everywhere. As people got into their places, the ride-tender (i feel the word carnie is derogatory) came around and started latching everyone's body-hold-into-placers. And then he got to me. And he couldn't get it to latch. I was even sucking in. Still, no dice. And so, right there with everybody looking on (the ride was situated so that everyone was standing in a circle facing each other), he told me i had to exit the ride. I was too big. Single most humiliating moment of my life. One i almost never dwell on, and for good reason. I guess for most people, this would be the moment that would give them the motivation to lose weight. For me, it gave me the fuel to further victimize myself and go into emotional hiding. As i write this story, i can feel the embarrassment and hurt all over again. I can cry the tears that i didn't allow myself to cry then in front of my friends. And you know something? I now can say this: so what. Goodbye story i never told anyone. You no longer have any hold over me. I officially strip you of your power to pull me into a steaming pile of victim mud. I'm on a path to personal greatness here, dang it. Please step aside.

Food for Thought

2011-07-21T04:06:00.001-06:00

I'm becoming increasingly annoyed at my urges to write. Mainly because they tend to happen at 5 a.m. I think its because it is the only time in my life when its quiet enough for me to really think clearly. But all that aside, it is time i fess up about something. And i apologize if my intimacy here makes you uncomfortable. But for a long time i have felt called to talk about my experiences in this area. Whether it is to help me or someone else, here goes: I have a huge, huge issue with food. Call it an addiction, an eating disorder, whatever you will....i have it. There, I said it. Out loud. For people other than my family or close friends to hear. While i'm sure nobody is all that surprised by this news, I have a reason for writing about this other than gaining your pity. You see, I believe that when you allow yourself to speak something that is true about you, you become willing to own it. And when you own it, and release it for others to see, you take its power to control you away. Because now there is no mystery to it. As i've written previously, i have researched and decided to take on a predominately raw lifestyle. But as i plotted and planned, gathered recipes, read blogs and books, even bought lots of food (that subsequently went bad in my fridge), i just couldn't get started. And i didn't understand why. I mean, I have motivation...health, weight, sleep issues, no energy, weight...and i have knowledge. I even have experience. I know i can do this, and i know i want to. The problem, i realized, is this...that there is a problem to begin with. This is no news flash to me, but i guess i thought that my issues would disappear if my symptoms disappeared. (see the above list...health, weight, blah blah blah). backwards, huh? I remember over the last decade or so and my struggles with my relationship to food and my body image and i think...how can i possibly expect to achieve anything if i don't get down to the root cause? Because i've done the revamp my food intake thing, i've done the lose 80 pounds in a year thing...and what happened? Nothing changed. I was still just as obsessed with food. I recall my sister saying to me sometime within the past year or two, "When you are heavy and feel unhealthy, you obsess about whether or not you are dying. Then when you lose weight and get healthy, you obsess about getting healthier." She knows me, its true. And because i didn't focus on my relationship to the food or my relationship to my body it all just came back anyway. And then came the guilt, then came the depression (which i tend to dabble in anyway), then came the "i have to change my diet again" mentality, which becomes followed by the "last supper" mentality (eating all of your favorite foods because you know that surely this will be the last time you get to have them, for tomorrow you start eating better). Its all really sickening, isn't it? Why are we so incredibly consumed by food anyway? All it is meant for, really, is to sustain life. That's it. Unfortunately for me, and most of you (because i know some of you are reading this thing and nodding your heads), food has become an experience. And therein lies one of my problems. I'm a foodie. I literally derive pleasure from eating food, going to new restaurants, watching people cook food, etc. This brings up another issue: I am a chaotic and emotional unconscious eater (wrap your head around that, would ya?). I get very busy, forget to eat, become ravenously hungry, binge, forget to eat, cycle continues. Or i feel tired or slightly sad or stressed so i grab for all things chocolate. And it drives me crazy to not be doing something while i eat. For instance, my favorite thing to do while eating is to read. I suppose this came about during my early years reading the cereal box while eating breakfast (IF i could wrestle it from my sister, that is). But if i have nothing to read, i like to watch tv. If i'm driving, i cannot listen to music, I have to listen to talk radio. I like to be intellectually stimulated while i eat. don't worry, i know i'm weird. But actually its very common for unconscious eaters. Its that whole start-eating-the-box of-candy-during-the-movie-and-suddenly-your-fingers-are-scraping-the-bottom-and-you-are-surprised-you-are-done type of thing. Get the picture? Basically i've discovered that i need to heal my relationship with food first if i have any hope of getting rid of any of the symptoms. And while i feel like that is going to take time that i don't have because i wanted to get this whole raw thing on the road, i have to remind myself that it is okay. Because time is really all i have anyway compared to the rest of my life. And won't it be so worth it? Some of you may be wondering how i'm going to do this. Several people that i know personally, and some i know just through friends, have used the book "Intuitive Eating" to help them deal with food addiction and eating disorders. I began reading it yesterday. Quick overview: it talks about letting go of any diet mentality (as rampant as it is in our society) and learning to listen to your body. I have decided to write about my process as i read this book and start letting go of my issues with food for all of you to read. After all, if i share it then it loses power over me, right?

Bobby Todd

2011-07-16T05:03:00.000-06:00

To say this has been an interesting week is an understatement. Severely. And while this week included working literally 24 hours straight non-stop physical labor (except for a 7 am run to get breakfast) in order to be ready for an important inspection at my store (got a good score, by the way, and i have yet to recover from that loooong shift), I instead want to share today's story with you. You see, i walked into work only to find that my walk-in cooler was broken...again...for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. A. Noy. Ing. ugh. So, we get to work getting all of my food out of it before it goes bad...stuffing it into the makeline and coke cooler and sending all my dough to another store to keep cool. In the midst of this i also had only about 30 minutes left to get my food order in. We get it all taken care of but i was already cranky. Can you really blame me? It just has not been a good 2 weeks after all. I have cooler problems, one of my full time drivers out for a death in the family, my assistant on vacation, my other assistant being loaned to cover another store where that manager is on vacation, a body that is very very sore and tired still from all of that heavy duty cleaning, etc. So yeah, i'm cranky. get over it. I get a call from the hair salon across the parking lot. They wanted a pizza. I told them the price...the special we currently have running. He says okay, i go on my way. About 2 minutes later the phone rings and its the hair salon again. This time its the dad of the guy who runs the hair salon. He says:
Guy: I get a discount from your store, why is it so much?
Me: Oh, i'm sorry. I was not aware that you get a discount
Guy: Well you must be new
Me: Um....nope. Been the GM here for over a year now.
Guy: Well, don't you know who i am? (in a very condescending tone btw)
Me: Am i supposed to?
*side note: I don't really respond well to people talking down to me. Sometimes i handle it well, but most of the time it flares my temper...especially on days like today. Its something i need to work on, i know.*
Guy: I'm Bobby Todd
Me: And that makes a difference to me how? other than you ordering pizza every once in a blue moon?

Anyway, i went ahead and gave him the discount. Partly because i knew i was being slightly rude to him, and mainly because i couldn't wait for him to come pick it up so i could ask this very question..."If i give you a discount here, do i get a discount over there?" Because if he said no, it would be the end of 50% off for him as he knows it. I'm not trying to sound harsh, its just business. I do have discount agreements with people, but i get something in return...like 50% off Arby's or 50% off oil changes. That's how it works. One customer i give 50% off to every third order of hers because she orders 3 times a week. Stuff like that. Sooo, guy walks in, i tell him the total, he pays me, yada yada yada. Then i popped the question:

Me: So does this mean i get a discount on getting my hair cut?
Guy: Um...(makes some joke that was totally irrelevant)
Me: Haha. Seriously though, since i'm giving you a discount here i get one there, right?
Guy: (again makes some comment totally unrelated to the conversation)
Me: Why are you skirting the issue?
Guy: I'm just playing with you
Me: i'm actually being serious. So basically you are telling me no?
Guy: Well, we run a small business and we can't really afford...
Me: So basically i'm giving you a discount at no benefit to me. You don't even order regularly.
*by this time one of my drivers has gotten closer to listen to what's going on*
Guy: Are you trying to hustle me?
Me: No sir, I'm just merely stating the absurdity of it. What entitles you to a discount at my store? I'm a business, i need to make money to continue to be a business. If i'm not making money on you, i need a good reason. And you are refusing to give me one
Guy: Are you threatening me? Are you saying if I don't give you a discount at my salon that you won't give me a discount here?
Me: That's exactly what i'm saying. I'm a business person.
Guy: I know you are sweetheart, that part is certain.
*side note: this whole conversation is taking place without yelling. Just thought i'd throw that in. Also, the way he said sweetheart got under my skin.*
Me: Don't call me sweetheart, you aren't my grandpa (did i mention he was really old? and looked like a mischievous version of Santa? Don't judge me...i'm not a bad person)

As i walked away from him, he said to my driver "she won't be hear in 6 weeks. Guarantee it."
I won't lie, this was the final straw for me. I had had enough with Mr. Bobby Todd and the way he was speaking to me. I'm not proud of the way i behaved, but i promise there is a moral to this story, so stay with me.

I turned on my heel and ran out the door (he was already halfway across the parking lot by now) and shouted as loudly as i could "I WILL be here in 6 weeks sir, you can count on that!" He spun around and said "are you a prophet? are you prophesying?" I almost laughed here...mainly because in my world its such a crazy old man thing to say. By my world i mean my dad or his dad...they would totally say something like this. (dad, just for the record, i'm not calling you old.)

At this point i yelled something back about no i was not prophesying, i was just promising...blah blah blah. By this time i was fuming. pacing around the store. And then i begin to feel embarrassed....embarrassed because i had allowed my temper to the better of me. I expressed this to one of my drivers and he told me that i shouldn't be embarrassed. He had heard the old man and said he had pushed me and kept egging me on. But still, that doesn't excuse me from acting that way. Is that how Christ would have me act? Did He lose his temper when he was being tempted, spit on, called a liar, etc? No He did not. If one of my goals is to become more Christlike, i certainly failed today. I decided that after a cooling period, i would go over there and smooth things over. As i looked up, however, i saw Mr. Bobby Todd walking toward the store. My first thought was, oh no...he's coming in for round two. As he opened the door, he smiled at me, and i smiled back...hoping for the best. As he walked in I noticed there were tears in his eyes. He apologized to me, saying that he was out of line, that sometimes he gets rolling and goes too far. "My son always says i do that..go too far," he said. And then he said something that pierced me to my core. "I was sitting over there eating and i remembered that you are a daughter of God. And my job on earth is to love you. If i can't love you, then i am nothing in God's eyes." I told him i was sorry too, that i was having a bad week and did not intend to be so irritable with him, because it was not his fault. I also told him i so much appreciated his respect for what God thought of him, and the humility to act on it. I told him that i appreciated it because i too have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father, and i know i did not act accordingly. Needless to say, i too was now teary eyed, and as we shook hands...two friends now in the Lord, my boss walked in to see this exchange. After Mr. Todd left, my boss said..." are you crying? who's he? what's going on?" I told him the whole story and he said "so now you are in here crying with a man that you were yelling at 20 minutes ago?" yep. Because that's how i roll. He said he shouldn't be surprised...and i guess he shouldn't. I do tend to have weird conversations with perfect strangers. But that's part of what makes me who i am. I will say, the thing that touched me most was how fast the man allowed himself to be humbled and maybe even chastised by the Lord for his actions. I don't know him, but i could tell in that moment that he was a man of God. And oh how greatly i respect that. I learned something from him today. I learned, or rather remembered, that I want to be closer to God. Closer to the point that i don't react that way in the first place. Closer so that i may remember more easily that everyone i come in contact with is a child of God, and deserves to be treated as such. And i learned that while my boss and my employees thought i was crazy for standing there crying with a stranger with whom i had been arguing only moments before, i didn't really care. Because i got it...what i needed in that moment. And i know that Mr. Todd did too.

I learned a few hours later from one of my drivers that apparently Bobby Todd is very well known in the hair community in Winston-Salem. I just kind of laughed. I guess that's why he said "don't you know who i am?". I do plan to go over there tomorrow and just do a follow up conversation with him tomorrow...just to let him know he can still get his discount...because for some reason i feel connected to him now after that powerful moment we shared. That and i want his customers to come buy pizza from me after they get their hair cut....

Let Me Clear My Throat...

2011-07-10T02:05:00.000-06:00

I kept thinking today about how I wish I was one of those people who smiled all the way through any adversity. Or never spoke an unkind word about anyone. Or never needed to vent about anything. But you want to know my problem? I'm far too flawed for all of that...yet. Problem numero dos = i'm an out-loud processor. I just have to talk about things in order for them to make sense to me so that i can deal with them. For example, i'm in the midst of another hidradenitis flare and it is kickin' my tail. And i wish i could suffer the flu feelings and fatigue and pain in silence. But i just can't. I'm not looking for pity, i just want someone to get it. And i feel even worse when i realize that there are people that i know personally who suffer far worse things...and are pleasant about it. I admire them so much. I wanna be them when i grow up. But i'm just not there yet. In fact, i'm a big baby. I can withstand quite a bit, but do trust that i'm going to talk about it. That need to "talk about it" has been getting me in trouble lately. I've been learning some hard lessons at work about who I can trust and who can't wait to stab me in the back. I try so hard not to take it personally...but I can't help it. You see, I have a love problem. Meaning, I love everyone i work with. Everyone. Even the ones i don't like. And that love problem extends outside of work encompassing my whole life. I feel like i work as hard as i possibly can. And i feel like i'm more than fair to all of my employees. But i guess sometimes it's not enough. Because people are human with flaws of their own and will always do what they deem necessary for what they think is their own survival. Still, i have felt my feelings of trust and belief in people shattered over the last several weeks and it leaves me wondering what it's all for. Surely there is a lesson here somewhere. And while i know that part of that lesson is that i can't really trust anyone in the business world, i refuse to give up on people. Because where would that leave me?

Happy Birthday To Meeeee"eeeeeeek!"

2011-07-02T01:54:00.000-06:00

I can't even take credit for that title. Thank you Stefanie! Haha. Today was my birthday. So, naturally, it was a weird day. My birthday always seems to be that way. I guess it's fairly fitting, since i seem to be a target of weird happenings in my life anyway, beginning with my first days on earth. Today started out normal enough despite that whole not sleeping thing, which has really become quite normal by now. I met my parents for lunch, went into work. About 2:30pm and i was already exhausted. One of my fantastic drivers offered to stay later than scheduled so that i could go home for an hour and catch a quick nap since i was supposed to close. I went home, crawled into bed...i had a good solid half hour for the power nap. I finally drifted off and was asleep for approximately 10 minutes when i was jolted awake by the sound of my door opening. Yes you heard that right. I want to be clear about something....i live alone. And i ALWAYS lock my front door, even in the middle of the day. Anyway, back to the jolting awake thing. I had been sleeping hard...you know, that exhaustion/hungry for sleep feeling where you go right slam bam into a deeeeep sleep and wake up all discombobulated? Well that's what i was feeling while i was trying to get my bearings and determine what exactly i had heard...and then i heard footsteps. I sat up in my bed (more like shot up) and there was a man standing there. I'm not making this up. I shouted something, but have no idea what, and watched as the man turned and high-tailed it out my front door, saying something that may have been an apology. I jumped out of bed, still very very confused at what was actually happening and very scared and started for the front door. i looked out the window and there he stood...on my porch waiting for me to come out. I opened the door a crack and asked who he was. He explained he was the maintenance man from the property management company i rent from. He apologized and said he had knocked first, but when i didn't answer he let himself in. I kind of let him have it, i won't lie, to which he replied "well i just wanted to let you know your neighbor was having some water drip down his walls so we need to drill some holes outside your window because its coming from your window unit. We're gonna do it from outside, we just didn't want to startle you with the sudden drilling." And you think walking into my apartment unannounced was the answer to not startling me? really? To which i replied "so then why the crap wereyou in my apartment? what if i had been in the shower? what if i had had a gun for protection? why didn't you just call me to let me know what's going on?" He stuttered out some other apology and then went on his way to go drill his holes. I. Was. Livid. Not to mention, now my head was reeling from being awakened from a deep sleep AND i was now having a full blown panic attack. I quickly called the aforementioned neighbor, who also happens to work for me, and now i'm crying and trying to make sense of it all. I told him what happened, to which he replied "He did WHAT?!?!?" yeah...exactly. He told me he could be home in 4 minutes...and when i heard him roll up i also heard him get out of his car and start giving the maintenance men what for about scaring me like that. It's kind of nice to know you have a neighbor that watches out for you. By this time it was time for me to go back to work, having had no nap and a panic attack to boot. I went down, quickly spoke to my neighbor who was still fuming on my behalf, and headed out. I was torn between calling the property manager or showing up to their office in person. I ultimately decided i could be meaner over the phone. And i needed to be mean. Because they deserved it. I also remembered the woman at the front desk is this sweet lady that i could never yell at in person. I'm not afraid to admit it, i hid behind the safety of the phone. It was for the greater good, i assure you. I called and let loose my fury over the situation, how scared i was, how i was now having a panic attack, and just how inappropriate and unacceptable this whole thing was. I mean sure, i could understand him coming in if I had been the one to call in the maintenance order and expected them to come sometime this week. But i had NO idea they were coming. No call to say "hey, by the way, your neighbor complained of leaking water coming from upstairs so we may be by to check it, just in case we need to come into your apartment." Is that really too much to ask? And all this time, what i'm still wondering is this...if he didn't need to fix it from inside my apartment, why oh why was he in there? It not like i live in a complex or anything...its an old detached garage with one apartment downstairs (my neighbor) and one upstairs (mine). They obviously knew my neighbor wasn't home, so gee..could that lone car in the driveway possibly belong to the tenant upstairs? Wow, her car is here but she didn't answer the door when i knocked...its probably for a reason. Maybe i should just call her and tell her whats going on. I mean, how hard is that thought process? The lady at the office kept apologizing and said "oh, do you work nights? are you a day sleeper?" to which i replied "yes, but does it matter?" She then said "well, i guess we'll put you on the 'always call first' list then." yes, you do that lady. Because if this ever happens again it won't be pretty. I still can't get over the situation and how he thought it was okay to just walk in with no forewarning at all. Nobody wants to wake up to find a strange man standing in their bedroom doorway. Nobody. Especially me (if only all of you knew how incredibly paranoid i am about my personal safety.) Don't worry though, my birthday wasn't completely a wash. About 10 minutes after i got to work, my neighbor came in looking all serious and said "you gotta come see this, you won't believe it." I thought he had done something bad to his car because of the way he was acting, but when i got out there he popped open his trunk and shouted (happily) "would you just look at that?". I looked in his trunk and saw this...(from Dewey's...yum!)

He also gave me a card, a big hug, and told me that he was glad to have me as a neighbor, boss and friend. I think he knew i needed something special after the fright i had...and it was. Totally made my day (and my crew didn't mind either...after all, i can't eat all that by myself!) For those who don't get the "would you just look at that?" reference, its a phrase we say at work all the time derived from this video. This is just one of the characters this guy does while his buddy films it from afar. hilarious. Anyway, know what else made my day? A visit from my friend Stefanie! She brought me balloons, a watermelon (in support of my decision to start a raw lifestyle) and some pizza hut coupons. Silly Stef. She also hung around for quite awhile (which i loved) and kept me company while i was stuck at work. I'm so grateful for my loving family and AWESOME friends!

Here We Go Again

2011-06-30T03:25:00.000-06:00

I really should be in bed right now. But we all know by now i don't sleep, don't we? I blame Utah. That's where it started. I guess juggling a full time third shift job and full time school during the day will do that to you. Well that and a fierce battle with a panic disorder that mainly shows its ugly face at night. Whatever...i've kind of accepted all that by now. Moving on. The reason i'm up tonight? Stabbing pains in my arms. And the dread that comes along with knowing what that pain means. It means another flare-up on the horizon. This has been a regular occurence for the past 8 months or so. For those who don't know, I was recently diagnosed with Hidradenitis Supporativa. What is that you ask? Well, you can read about it here. In short, my glands create abscesses that swell and become very painful until they burst (mine happen to stay under the skin and do not burst). As of recent, researchers are beginning to find supportive evidence that it is indeed an autoimmune disease but has not been definitively decided yet. Mainly because what they think happens is hair folicles or glands or sweat ducts clog too easily and then your immune system attacks with super force, creating the abscesses. I don't know about all that or how it works, all i know is it's not a good time. During a flare, i also tend to battle restricted movement of my arms, a low-grade fever and intense fatigue. There is no medical cure, and they really don't even know the cause. The last flare i had landed me in the E.R. because i couldn't take the pain anymore. The doctor there, as well as the surgeon i followed up with a week later, basically told me i was just kind of in for a ride. Basically its about managing pain as best you can during a flare-up. Isn't that lovely to hear? Yeah i didn't find it very comforting either. Because i believe that our bodies were designed to heal themselves if given the proper tools, i began to research natural cures. As i poured through online support groups and blogs and other websites i found only one way that people became symptom free (outside of surgery...which i was told by the surgeon was a last-ditch effort and only about 50% effective anyway). Raw foods. People that eat a plant-based diet of 80% or more raw, living food were able to achieve complete healing. Interesting. Wanna know the even more interesting part? I've actively been studying raw foodists (anyone that eats 75% of their diet that way is considered a raw foodist) for over a years now. Before i started dealing with this. I don't even remember how i happened upon it, but i do remember feeling intensely that i needed to know this information, and have continued to feel inspired that i need to move in that direction. Just to be clear, i'm not necessarily saying that EVERYONE should eat like this. What i AM saying, however, is that Heavenly Father designed my body and knows the best way for me to take care of my individual body. And maybe He was giving me a heads up this past year...so that i would know what to do when i got hit with this and before it gets worse. That being said, i've been gathering recipes (raw food is WAY more interesting than just eating apples, after all) and reading everything i can about it, incorporating green smoothies in my diet, and breaking my addiction to caffeine (which has been pretty successful if i do say so myself) in order to prepare myself for this transition. I'm excited...and scared. But i look at the benefits to me personally....panic attacks make me feel like i am dying, literally, during them. Part of what freaks me out even further in those moments is knowing i'm not very healthy, so i very well could be. Having my health back would mean knowing that it is indeed just a panic attack. Or better yet...panic attacks and my bouts of night-anxiety could disappear all together. Yes please. It would remedy my life-long battle with my weight, which i am quite sick of really. Yes please. Raw foodists almost never get sick. Yes please. Energy through the roof. Umm...after my battles with fatigue, there is nothing i could want more. You get my drift, right? I thought about not telling people about my decision because then they feel like they need to weigh in on the matter...such as trying to tell me why i'm wrong or extreme. Well tell that to my intestines that no longer tolerate wheat, grains, dairy or even meats anymore. I'm sick of feeling sick, thank you. Or they may feel the need to say something if they see me eat something cooked ("hey, i thought you were raw now"). Well the thing is, i'm not looking to go 100% raw. i don't believe i should completely cut out all meats or grains or cooked veggies. But i am looking at 80% or more...thats my goal. that basically means that just 2 or 3 times a week i would eat something cooked. It also allows for social situations so i don't have to be that weird girl that brings her own food everywhere..even to restaurants. no thanks. Now this is a lifestyle change, a pretty intense one at that, so i'm assuming it will take me some time to really transition into it. But i suspect that what lays ahead is well worth it. And i can't wait.

Goodbye Caffeine (again)

2011-06-16T22:01:00.000-06:00

Well things around here have been interesting. Last night included a trip to the emergency room for a very enlarged and VERY painful gland under my arm. I just couldn't take it anymore. To spare you all of the details, i will just say that when they cut into it, it didn't turn out to be what they thought. In fact, they don't know what it is. Meanwhile, now i have two holes in my armpit with a bunch of gauze stuffed up there and can barely move my arm. good times. They decided to just put me on antibiotics and painkillers until they can find out exactly what's going on. I know an opportunity when i see it. what is it you may ask? The opportunity to cut off my caffeine supply while i'm taking the good stuff for my arm. No headaches here thank you. I figure in a day or two when i stop taking the pain meds i'll have been through the worst of the withdrawal. This is what i would like to call a "two-fer". see? opportunity.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2011-06-06T23:41:00.000-06:00

There's a paragraph in a book i read that i just have to share, right now while i'm thinking about it. The author was sharing her thoughts during a quest to find balance in her life. Its especially important to me given my dwellings upon my personal happiness lately. I also like how it can also relate to the gospel...although to me, happiness and the gospel are the almost the same thing. Enjoy.

"People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

~Elizabeth Gilbert ~ Eat, Pray, Love

I Can't Think of a Title

2011-06-06T22:52:00.000-06:00

Here i sit, reading a book and being unable to concentrate because i just feel so frustrated. I am literally consumed today by thoughts about my store and how i can make it perform better, how i can hit my numbers until i work myself into a tizzy....and then i realize...this is the struggle. The struggle between having my job be just a piece of me or something i do and allowing it to be all of me. And then i pull myself back. Back into that space where I am actively trying to shed bad habits and bring on new (well not new, just forgotten) more enriching ones. Back to the place where my job is just a small part of my life, not who I am as a whole. I've been trying to learn the art of meditation in a form that works for me. My counselor agrees that this would be a wise practice for me to learn given my tendency to be stressed and anxious and obsessive. He also suggested that maybe it would work well for me to place it right before my scripture studies to help me relax and focus, allowing me to experience true joy and peace in my every day. So that is what i will try. I will say my experiment is going well...i have spent more concentrated time reading and studying and writing and much much less time zombied out on my couch. I feel like my overall mood and outlook has improved, but everyday i have to keep choosing it. But you know, the struggle of choosing it and bringing myself back is what is making it so fulfilling at the same time. Sure, its hard. But what part of life isn't? It's kind of the point, is it not? The confidence that comes from knowing i am the master of my own mind is well worth the journey.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do (a short story)

2011-06-05T01:51:00.000-06:00

Especially when you operate in a customer service world and that person you are breaking up with happens to be a customer. This marks the second customer i've had to break up with. Trust me, the conversations aren't easy. In fact, the first time i had to do it was about 2 months ago. These customers were true regulars...ordering almost once a week. The problem? They loved everything well done. okay, so that's not really the problem. The problem was that they (and by they i mean the wife) wanted a certain amount of well-doneness. Not a smidge too little or too much. This can be hard to do during a friday night dinner rush (when they happened to order most) when your oven is a conveyor oven and its jammed packed with food for all of our other customers. At those times its not easy to make room to keep pushing the pizzas back..oh it wasn't quite well enough so i push it back a second time....crap its still not quite right. maybe if i move this cheesybread over here and take this pizza out and move these wings i can find room to push it back a third time...crap stuff is gonna fall out of my oven if i don't quit messing with this one pizza and start boxing some of these...you get my drift, right? Just for the record, i will do most reasonable requests for any customer. i enjoy my customers (especially regulars) and like making them happy. Love it even. But Sharon (*name has been changed*) would always call back and talk to me like we've never had this same conversation before, or that we had never met. And the convo would start out with her saying something like this.. "i just don't understand why you can't get the concept of well done. Some weeks its great, and about every other time its just the crappiest food i've ever eaten because it isn't well done when i clearly asked for well done." One time, i burned the pizzas (kind of) just to see what she said, since they were never done enough. yeah, she wasn't a fan of that either. sigh. So what do i do? I have to give them their money back or make them new food. That is our policy and one i never mind doing for my customers if they are unsatisfied (luckily 95% of my customers frickin' rock, excluding certain college kids of course, so this doesn't happen too often). Well, one night i had had enough. I received the call from Sharon, she again acted like this is the first time we've ever spoken about this topic, she wanted her money back (because she KNOWS our policy, believe me) so she was sending her husband up there to pick it up. I just want to say, for all of Sharon's craziness, her husband is awesome. Totally laid back, very sweet and always smiling. He even rolls his eyes when Sharon is putting on her show about her food. But i was done with her. I figured out i had refunded her money or given them free food like 22 times. We are a business people, we do need to make money or nobody will get pizzas. And its gotten to the point that when they walk through my door i say to myself..crap, i'm gonna lose money...ugh. So in comes her husband, all smiley and nice, and i politely gave him the money and asked to speak to him outside. I won't go through the whole conversation, but it started out like this...
Me: So, it just seems like we can never quite get the order right for you guys
Him: Well, you know how Sharon is...she just believes that if she is paying money for food she deserves to have it exactly the way she wants it. She's very particular.
Me: I totally understand, and i agree that she should get what she pays for and wants. But we can't seem to be able to do that for her despite our trying, and while i love my customers and especially regulars like you, i have to wonder if maybe another pizza place would be a better fit.
Him: This sounds kind of like a break up talk
Me: Yeah that's kind of what it is.

At this point he just kind of shook his head, then (and i was not expecting this at all) he launched into a vent session about his wife and how she does this at every restaurant they frequent and he is always trying to get her to mellow out but she's just so particular about some things and gosh every manager must hate them and fear them when they walk in the door and ...big breath in... he's been putting up with this for 9 years and he's just so sorry and can they please keep ordering food from me because they just love Domino's and they really like me as the manager and i'm always just so nice and patient with them and...

yeah. i avoided punctuation so you would get the gist of how he was just airing it all out. At one point i wondered if he was gonna turn all smurf-like from lack of oxygen. He begged and pleaded..literally...for me to reconsider. I told him that i would be happy to serve them, but if (and only if) they dealt directly with me. Meaning i would do their order start to finish, starting with the phone call. They had to ask for me directly..that was my condition.

The customer today reminded me of that first experience. Maybe being the General Manager of a quick service restaurant is starting to harden me in the business world. i don't know. But i do know that as she complained about everybody involved in her order two weeks ago..with the main complaint being the way my driver knocked on her door in the MOST unprofessional way (yes, you read that right) and accusing my assistant of being ignorant and stupid, that i didn't let it get to me. When i asked her what we could do to be better since we've messed up the last 5 times she ordered, she literally snarled at me and said "how do you know that, why would i remember how you messed up those times". I explained to her that i could see by her order history we had to free out every order over the past 7 months, so it was obvious to be we were doing something wrong, and that i just wanted to know how to fix it so we could better serve her. I guess she felt trapped in her lie (yes, i am accusing her of being a scammer. i've done this a long time people) so she told me i was unprofessional (i learned that this is her most favorite word) and uneducated and that she would be calling my boss to inquire why he would allow someone like me to operate part of his business. Well that went about like i expected it to. I am sure that if you found out the places she is a frequent customer at, she is a problem everywhere. The part that confused me was that she got so mad right off the bat. And i have 2 witnesses that will tell you i was being very polite AND quite professional, thank you.

I guess my question is...at what point is it no longer beneficial to your business to have someone as your customer? I give people the benefit of the doubt the first several times. But that's why i document this stuff, to protect my store and the morale of my customers and employees. I certainly hope this is the last time i ever have to do something like this...but with the economy in the shape its in and people trying to pinch pennies everywhere they can, we're seeing it more and more. Many people are trying to cut corners and costs anyway they can, and unfortunately this sometimes includes taking it out on businesses to get something for free. I feel for them, i really do. But this is a business. We are here to serve our customers AND make money. Is that too much to ask?

sweat it out

2011-06-01T09:55:00.000-06:00

This is where i'll be working today for 13 hours. Seriously. Don't you see the oven over there in the corner? or the computer and phones? I've got my gallon of water and a towel...i'm ready. wish me luck.

Dear Body

2011-05-25T03:40:00.000-06:00

Why why why why why do you hate me? can't i just go to sleep? is that too much to ask? I promise you will like it too. But nooooooo....you seem to think its funny to inflict pain and anxiety on me when its time to rest. excuse me, oh leg of mine, but you can stop hurting now. really... anytime now is good for me. excuse me, abdomen, but whatever weird fluttery painful thing you got going on in there...put a sock in it. Mama Jill is now going to rest. You will not defeat me, i am in charge. Just so you know.

Pizza Ordering 101

2011-05-25T01:35:00.001-06:00

I am daily flabbergasted at the sheer numbers of people who do not know proper etiquette when ordering food over the phone. Luckily for all of you, i will now teach you these things so you can become an expert. No thank you is necessary, i assure you i do this purely for selfish reasons. ;)

1. Know What You Want

okay, so i understand that you may not know exactly what is on the menu. Or what the specials are. So, what i recommend is calling up, asking for the specials, ask what questions you need to ask and then say "Thanks, we're gonna decide what we want and call you back." Here's another tip: all the big chains have menus online. But please, for any reason, do not do the following:

Me: How can i help you?
Customer: What are your specials?
Me: (recites specials)
Customer: Alright can you hold on? (and then to people in the room) "HEY, WHAT YA'LL WANT?" (and yes, this is always yelled...right into my ear)
Me: crickets chirp
Customer: what did you say that first one was again?
Me: (repeats 1st special)
Customer: Wait...you said how much again?
Me: (repeats 1st special again)
Customer: okay hold on (and then, you guessed it, to the people in the room) "HEY, WHAT YA'LL WANT?"
Customer: (a bunch of laughing in the background, talking about anything besides pizza, etc etc) "HEY, WE GOTTA DECIDE...THIS LADY IS WAITING ON THE PHONE"
Customer: okay, so we can get XYZ?
Me: Absolutely, what do you want on your 1st pizza?
Customer: pepperoni and sausage.
Me: okay, what do you want on your second one?
Customer: wait, do you have chicken? let me get chicken and sausage on that first one.
Me: okay, chicken and sausage
Customer: wait...do you have beef? maybe i want hamburger and chicken on that 1st one....
Me: facepalm
Customer: (turns to the people in the room again) "HEY, WHAT YOU WANT ON YOUR PIZZA?"
Me: looking for the nearest pair of scissors to stab myself with

So i know this sounds extreme, but i promise you i get atleast two calls a day almost exactly like this. promise. Most of the time, however, its more like just the first couple of lines. So, lesson number 1 is....know what you want.

2. Know Where You Live

You would be amazed at how many people A) don't know their phone number, and B) don't know where they are. seriously. you always get those who are from out of town who don't know what their nearest cross-street is or what part of town they are in, and i totally get that. But there are an astonishing amount of people who legit don't know their address. Rule # 1: if you are going to order something to be delivered to you, you are going to need to know your location. I don't care if you are visiting from out of town, just moved in, whatever....i do not have a remote sensor that picks up your call via GPS and transmits your coordinates to me. someone somewhere knows the address. Some people literally expect me just to know where they are calling from. Please have this information at the ready before you make the call. pretty please. I'll never forget this call...still one of my favorites:

Me: How can i help you?
Customer: I need a delivery
Me: no problem, what's your address?
Customer: Winston-Salem
Me: (wait a moment to see if there is more coming with that statement.....nope)
Me: Okay....where in winston-salem?
Customer: um......

yeah. no further comments.

3. Understanding the Delivery Charge

everyone charges for delivery these days. everyone. so please, do not rant on and on about how you swear you called last week and we did not charge for delivery. hello....have you seen gas prices lately? or the cost of food? or the cost of insurance? All of these things contribute to our costs as a business. really people, come on....

4. Tip Your Driver

This is very important. if you are going to order for delivery, you absolutely MUST tip. Sure, there are the excuses....don't have enough money, doesn't the driver get the delivery charge (no they don't), don't have enough money. Here's my thing....if you have enough money to order pizza and have it delivered to your house (which we all know isn't cheap. its a convenient luxury people, not your inherent right as a person on this earth) then you have enough money to break off a few dollars for the driver. if this is to much to ask, then maybe its best that you get your lazy self into the car and hit up the value menu. for reals. What is an appropriate tip? well that depends. If you are getting just one or two pizzas and even maybe a side or drink...you know, something for just the family....then $3 to $5 is good...with $3 being decent and $5 a happy driver. The driver will truly appreciate anything more than that of course. If you are ordering a big order...say over 5 pizzas...then you need to up it accordingly. I hate to see the hard work that goes into an order that costs $200 only to see my driver come away with a 5. or nothing. Just remember...these guys and gals work for tips. not to mention they put miles and wear and tear on their cars to bring you dinner. So treat 'em right, and they'll treat you right as well (which they should do anyway, but you get my drift)

5. We Are Human

Last, but certainly not least, remember that we are only human. Yes, we get most, if not all, of our orders out flaw-free and on time every day. But sometimes mistakes happen. Somebody accidentally put mushrooms on your pizza but you wanted black olives? No problem. Just call the store and we will send another one right out to you. probably with something extra...like a drink or dessert...too. If you are okay eating it, we will refund your money then. Whatever it is...we will work with you. Please do not call up to the store screaming at me because we made a mistake. i realize its an inconvenience, and that it shouldn't have happened. but yelling does no good for anyone. And we pump out 100's of pizzas an hour sometimes. so every once in a while something gets mixed up. Do not exclaim to me that mistakes are unacceptable and will not be tolerated (this has happened to me, those exact words). Do not assume that i am uneducated because i work in a pizza place (also an accusation i hear). I run a pizza place lady. its not easy work, trust me. nor is it for the faint of mind. and my people? everyone needs jobs. for many here, they are in school or this is their second job. so please, leave out the insults.

Free to Choose

2011-05-22T14:17:00.000-06:00

As i've gone about my activities today (which really only include church and the time i tried to take a nap...until my body literally snickered at me and said "as if" in the most clueless-esque way possible), i've thought about this word: CHOICE. I think i have spent alot of time dwelling in the land of "no choice"...especially recently. For instance i work alot so i say to myself (and others), i have no choice about my lack of social life. Or i have panic attacks and a psychological issue with food so between the two i have no choice about my battle with my weight. Because i have no choice about my weight, i also have no choice that men can't look past that weight so i have no choice that i'm not in a relationship. Do you see the spiral? And all of these thoughts led me to think of another word: CRAP. Its all a load of crap, these things i tell myself. Of course i have choice. After all, isn't that how Heavenly Father designed it to be? That we have our agency to choose? Ultimately what i have realized this past week is this....i am the master of my own destruction. If i choose "no choice" as my slogan, then it becomes true and i become trapped under my own negativity. Let me give you a "for instance" (a "for instance" is highly more exciting than an example, just so you know): In all my burned-out glory with my job, i decided that instead of quitting or demoting myself ...which i did actually bring up to my boss, to which he replied "um..no" and basically laughed in my face (i suppose i should take that as a compliment)...i would take on being stress-free this week and see what it did to my daily experience. Wanna know what i found? My problem isn't actually my job, it's me. All me. I discovered this because as i focused on being stress-free, spending my personal time reading and writing and being filled-up by things i love, and getting enough sleep...i was happy. joking (i kinda do that anyway, but you get my point). lively. hyper even (on occasion). And all this good-attitudeness occured at work. whoa. Mr. Joe Customer getting mad over some pepperoni and yelling at me? I'm sorry you are having a bad day sir, mine is fantastic. Wanna get my crew up-beat and laughing? No problem, just run around and give everybody high-fives like we just scored the winning shot of the game. Or do a 10-second rap session with my driver. Or throw snowballs from the ice on the makeline at people. No big deal. Joyfulness: achieved. Productivity: achieved. ah yes, i get to choose. And choose i shall....

Good Things...

2011-05-20T02:10:00.000-06:00

Tonight as i sat reading in my scriptures, some realizations came to me...ones that are interesting and sweet to my soul. Things within me are beginning to change. finally. Its amazing the effect that small and simple thoughts and habits can have on a person, for the good or the bad. And for the past while, i've been giving myself ALOT of negative self-talk. As i step out of the cloud of negativity and wrap myself in more positive thoughts and feelings of love, my gratitude grows as i feel my Heavenly Father's love for me. And that, my dear friends, brings me much joy.

I Choose...

2011-05-19T02:17:00.000-06:00

"Listen.
Can you hear it?
The music.
I can hear it everywhere. 
 In the wind... 
 ... in the air... 
 ... in the light. 
 It's all around us.
All you have to do is open yourself up.
All you have to do...

  ... is listen."
This is from the opening scene from my all time favorite movie August Rush. Haven't seen it? well you should. It makes my soul sing. Today i was thinking about my relationship with joy and i thought of this quote. 
Granted, my conversation with myself on joy is not about music (although music brings soooo much joy to my soul). What it is about, however, is that my experiment with joy is working. Meaning, I am starting to see little bits of joy all around me as i focus my attention on it. I think i realized it today while at work. You see, for the last two days i have simply decided that i would be stress-free. No sir Mr. Stress, you may not visit me. But 
thanks for asking anyway. For the past month i have been very very burned out at work. or at life. sometimes i can't tell the difference anymore. Anyway, out of mere survival the other day at work, i decided to not let it
 bother me. Sure, i was having a friday night-style rush on a tuesday with one insider and 4 drivers. I had 10 
deliveries that were waiting to go out the door all atleast 30 minutes old. 3 lines on hold. pizzas flying out of 
the oven. And about 15 pizzas on my screen that needed to be made. And you know what i did? I just chose to be stress free. and not only stress free, but peaceful...happy even. My poor insider was flying around like a crazy person and i told him to just focus on the ovens and the phones, and that i would make all the food and route the drivers. And i said it calmly, while nonchalantly making pizzas. He kind of looked at me as if to say 
"umm...aren't you going to go all "jill" on us?" nope. not interested. And i remained that way for the rest of the night. To be clear, we get rushes like this all the time so it was really no big deal. The difference? my 
attitude...or rather, the CHOOSING of my attitude. I wanted to be sure that it wasn't some fluke or freak 
accident, so today i went in to work and chose to be in a good mood and stress free. At one point i had 3
 drivers all talking to me about 3 different issues all at the same time. I stopped them and said "excuse me, but i'm having a stress-free day. If you can, i would appreciate you trying to handle this one on your own (often
 they are small things anyway). If you need my help, i'll be over there." I realize this may seem like a small
 thing to you, but those that have worked with me know...this is a big moment for me. I often try to take on all things (in fact, my counselor once called me "Atlas" because i try to carry the world on my back) and then 
allow myself to get all worked up in a tizzy. I guess what i'm trying to say is this...i'm starting to feel more
 balanced. I'm starting to feel lighter. And i'm re-learning that i get to choose my way of being. And that i 
actually can. It takes a little work, i had to remind myself several times throughout the nights that i was 
choosing stress-free, but i did it. And it felt good.

Listening to My Body

2011-05-16T23:11:00.000-06:00

It's an interesting thing that happens when you start trying to change habits. First comes the rock bottomish place that makes you wake up and actually be ready to act on change. Then comes the initial excitement and gung-ho-ness as you jump right in to your plan of action. Then, as i'm re-learning tonight, comes what i like to call the "inbetween." The inbetween is the space where you are getting into your new habits and really starting to enjoy them, but then you have this craving for the old. You start having this internal conversation with yourself where your mind says "well really you could just watch one more show and then do some reading" or "You want chocolate? Go ahead and go get some...once won't really hurt. You can start over again tomorrow." But i have to ask...how many tomorrow's are there really going to be? Am i going to wake up tomorrow guilt-free and joyful that i relented on my new tv rule for myself or that i gave in to sugar? Or will i feel sullen for once again proving to myself that i'm weak and can't change...that i'm stuck being miserable and disappointed in myself forever. Not to mention how sick i will feel because i ate sugar or bread (which has been happening to me EVERYTIME i eat it lately, btw...body trying to tell me something? My mom is worried i'm in the early stages of Celiac) In case you didn't know, this is THE moment. The moment where i get to decide where my loyalties lie...to my true self or the part of me that wants to hide and wallow in my own suffering and victim-ness. And then i remember how the last few years have felt for me. For the past three years, i've spent most of my time slipping back into bad habits that i'd worked so hard to change and made them worse. I've gained atleast 60 pounds, reclaimed my addiction to food and caffeine, suffered from regular panic attacks that have been soul-crushing, struggled with my spirituality, developed bad bouts of insomnia and anxiety...really the list could go on. The hardest part, though, is the disappointment in myself for all of it. Why? Because they are all things that i can control. Well, except maybe the panic attack thing...i can't seem to control those. I can choose to put healthy things in my body so i not only physically feel better, but i feel better about myself. i can choose to get back into a regular exercise routine (which i love to do and in turn reduces stress, which then reduces my panic attacks AND helps me sleep better. duh, jill). I can choose to break-up (again) with caffeine, which also sometimes triggers panic attacks. I can make it a top priority to spend meaningful time everyday in the scriptures and having daily sincere prayer. I have indeed been working at doing these things and i am starting to feel a difference within myself. Its a slow change...some of them are coming easier than others...but for the first time in a while i really do feel like i'm headed for the jill that i love being. So, what about the "inbetween?" Interestingly enough, when my mind started clammering for the old ways that lead to self-loathing, it turned out that as i seriously thought about giving in i realized i didn't actually have a desire to eat junk and watch tv. If i quiet down and listen to my body, what i really want to do is go lay in bed and read my new book until i fall asleep...despite the fact that its earlier than my normal bedtime. Maybe if i spend more effort listening to my body instead of that self-sabotage gland in my brain (i don't care if you think it doesn't exist, you'll never prove it to me because i totally have it), it will be easier to get back to good habits that have me be a healthy, happy Jilbeez.

A Day in the Life...

2011-05-15T02:08:00.000-06:00

Of a pizza manager...or more specifically me. I got to about, oh...say around midnight or so..., when a friend asked if i had experienced a joyful moment today. And i realized to my dismay that not only had i NOT sought a moment of joy today, but had instead been too preoccupied with being annoyed at people ordering pizza. (sorry, sean, if you're reading this). I don't know what it is about a pizza place, but some people seem to think they can haggle pizza prices as if we are a used car lot. Do other types of places experience this? I mean, when i go to Target or a restaurant or even McDonalds I expect to pay what the set price is. No, not my customers. Oh, you don't have very much money? Well, mr. customer, i'd love your business but to get delivery you should expect to pay over 10 dollars. And no, i will not except your beaver pelts in exchange for food. Last time i checked, we moved out of the 19th century some time ago. Maybe the value menu at Wendy's is more suited for you and your wallet. Okay, so maybe this is a little extreme...but people really do try to negotiate with me. all the time. And its A. Noy. Ing. Speaking of annoying, one of my biggest pet peeves is a customer that is chomping (and i do mean chomping as in loudly) on food while ordering on the phone with me. This peeve doesn't surprise me because i really really hate loud eating. I guess it comes from growing up listening to my brothers (yes, all three) smack their food when they chew. Sorry guys, I love you but its true. (side note to my brothers: I really do love all of you and now you have one free pass to put me on blast for some annoying behavior of mine). Despite what it seems, i wasn't in that bad of a mood tonight. In fact one of my favorite conversations with a customer went a little something like this:

Me: What would you like for your bread side: Cheesybread, Breadsticks or Cinnastix?
Customer: What's the difference between the Cheesybread and the Breadsticks?
Me: Cheese.
(right after i said this, i immediately thought "Crap, why did i let that sarcasm come out? Please take it the right way, please take it the right way" fingers crossed...)
Customer: (chuckles) wow, go me. I'm the smart one tonight huh?
Me: (highly relieved that they caught the humor in it) Trust me, its not the worst question i've had
Customer: Oh really? what was the stupidest question you got all night?
Me: A few orders ago i had a customer ask me to make sure we put that Papa John's garlic sauce in their pizza box
Customer: Wow
Me: Exactly

Anyway, that customer made my night a little better. I guess she gets the joy moment card for the day. I've joked with customers like that before only to have it go totally wrong. But in my opinion i have to keep it light on my end sometimes or i end up wanting to pull my hair out. Or worse, the hair of a customer. It works even better when someone is screaming at me while i am trying to make their order right. Usually i ask them to stop yelling and we can talk about this. Sometimes, however, they are inconsolable. In those cases, and if i'm in a playful mood, i have been known to do something like this:
Me: I'm so sorry we screwed up. I'd be happy to send a new pizza right out or give you your money back...we want to make this right.
Customer: Well i want a new pizza AND my money. There is no way i'm paying for this. I wanted a pepperoni and beef and i got just a pepperoni. This is unacceptable.
Me: I totally agree that you should get the pizza you asked for. We made a mistake and i'm so sorry. I can remake your pizza and get it right out to you piping hot or refund your money. Do you like dessert? I'd love to also send you an order of our lava cakes on us as an apology.
Customer: I told you i want both.
Me: I'm sorry, but i can only do one or the other. Its company policy.
Customer: Well then i need to speak with your manager
Me: No problem, hold on just a sec
(Usually at this point i put them on hold for about 10 seconds while i stick some labels on boxes or take a time out to gather my composure)
Me: Hi, this is Jill. What seems to be the problem?
Customer: Wait...Wha? Wasn't I just talking to you?
Me: No ma'am, that was my twin sister Jo. She's my assistant. How can i help you?

Never a dull moment in my job...

Kids Say (and Doo) the Darndest things....

2011-05-14T01:59:00.000-06:00

Some of my favorite conversations recently have been with my nephew and nieces. Here are a few examples:
Jamison and I were in the living room just hanging out and he randomly says:
Jamison: Cha
Me: Cha-Cha (i like to play along)
Jamison: Cha Cha Cha
Me: Cha
Jamison: Cha, Cha Cha-Cha Cha....Cha.
Me: I think we are speaking Cha-chese
Jamison: What do you mean?
Me: The Cha language
Jamison: Cha (giggles)
Me: How do you think we should say "hello?"
Jamison: Cha Cha Cha-Cha-Cha Cha Cha Cha
Me: Wow, that was pretty lengthy. How, then, would you say "there is a star balloon on the ceiling?"
Jamison: Cha.
~~~~~~~~~~
Paige and I were lounging on the couch when she reached over with her foot and "tickled" me. I returned the favor by "getting" her bum with my foot
Me: Paigie, I have your bum
Paige: But I don't have a bum
Me: Well then what do you sit on?
Paige: The couch.

Oh those stinkin' kids. They make me laugh and bring me joy. Speaking of stinkers, check out this cutie-pie of a Zoë (check it out, i learned how to type the umlaut!)

Everytime I would hum something she would start bouncing to the music. Isn't she cute? Yeah i thought so too...this is mere moments before what i now refer to as The Great Poop Debacle. Let me tell you a story:

After Zoë finished eating, i took her upstairs to get her out of those jammies and what i thought was only a wet diaper (there was no smell....no smell, no poop...right?) She was happy as a clam and i thought, apparently mistakenly so, that this would be a rather quick and painless process and we would be back downstairs in no time to join the others. I laid her on the changing table, with her beaming as i took of her PJ's. Next came the diaper. I opened it up and....oh. my. gosh. Poop up her back, poop flowing out the sides , poop all over the inside of her footsie pajamas. And guess what? Apparently with the removal of the clothes and diaper little Zo-bo here thought she was a free bird. As i was still trying to gather my senses in response to the volume of poop we had going on, she turned over and made a mad dash to try and crawl out of this whole situation. Yep, you guessed it. Poop was now aaaaalllll over her front and the changing table. I quickly grabbed her leg (now poop all over me) as she began squeeling as if i was enacting some form of torture by trying to get her clean. After wrestling her a bit (mainly just trying to keep her from leaping off the table) i held her with one hand while i tried to find something to put the diaper in. She. was. screaming. I think if i had had the time, i probably would have too so i can't blame her there. By the time Jason rushed in to see what was up, i was basically holding her little naked self in mid-air with one hand while i was trying to clean her with a wet wipe with the other hand. Why did i not lay her down somewhere and pin her with one arm? Mainly because poop was EVERYWHERE that i would have laid her.....and i kept thinking "i can not get poop on my sister's carpet, i can not get poop on my sister's carpet". Jason said "oh my...why didn't you yell for help?" Well, because honestly the whole situation took me by surprise. Sure, its happened to me a couple of times, but not this bad. Not ever. Anyway, Jason finished cleaning her up while i started getting anything with poop on it in the hamper. Funniest part? As soon as she had a fresh diaper and some clothes on, she was happy as can be as if the whole thing never happened. Oh, other funniest thing...A little while later we were playing outside and i went to brush a bug off my arm...only to discover a patch of dried crusty poop on it. All i could do was laugh.

Friendship and Tiny Tim

2011-05-11T23:45:00.000-06:00

I actually got some sleep last night and felt pretty normal for the first four hours of my day....and then the fatigue dropped in. ugh. Well atleast it wasn't ALL day this time. That's a plus! Wanna know what brought me joy today? Tonight i was having a conversation with a dear friend and at some point i stated that i let very few people really see my neurotic side for fear that they would change their mind about how much they love me. She reminded me that those who really knew me loved me all the more for that side of me. Thank you Nikki ;). True friendship equals true joy for me, and i am so grateful for the good friends i've had the pleasure of making. Wanna know what made me laugh out loud (and it was much needed tonight)? One of my drivers randomly said "hey jill, do you remember Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol?" When i replied that I did, he rounded the corner with this (see picture below) and said "I ran into him today, kicked his butt and stole his crutch." So unexpected. Now just to be clear, I don't in any way condone bully behavior, but i appreciated his effort to give me a chuckle. and chuckle i did.

Finding Joy part 2...with a little enlightenment on the side...

2011-05-11T00:32:00.000-06:00

So since i last posted i've been trying to find little pieces of joy in my days. Yesterday? spending time with my sister and her kids. Somewhere along the way this past year i started spending time every week at Laura's house and i'm loving the friendship and love i feel when i'm there with her and her family. Tonight i found joy in an unexpected place... i got a call from a customer who wanted to have pizza delivered to baptist hospital. She was so very sweet and had such a happy tone that it immediately put me in a better mood. She instructed me to have it delivered to the nurses station near her room. We got to chatting a little and she explained that the nursing staff had been so wonderful to her during her stay that she wanted to thank them by ordering them some surprise pizzas before they went on break. I've been doing this a long time, and i've never seen a patient order food for the nurses out of gratitude. i was so touched by this that i threw in a free order of cinnastix as a dessert for them. Just being a bystander to someone else's attitude of gratitude during a trying time (it was in the rehabilitation wing of the hospital) brought joy to my soul. I was also thinking today about how unbalanced i feel in my life. For the past three weeks i have been feeling like i've been stuck inside a time vortex that has me certain i've sold my soul to the pizza devil. I need to make changes, which i've been saying for a long time but haven't yet acted upon (well i have in very small ways, but not any that are making huge differences). I hate that i've become someone who is all talk and no action. I realized that i can't (and don't necessarily want to) change my job right this moment because the reality is i would just end up in some other job that i lose myself in until i become unbalanced. Its kind of a habit i have. But, what i CAN change is both my attitude at work and how i spend my time away from work. So i've decided to start a little 30 day experiment. I need more enlightment, joy, fullfillment and spirituality in my life. I want to feel balanced. How do i spend my time at home usually? Parked on my couch watching tv while spending hours in front of my laptop. Granted i tend to do this in the wee hours of the morning when i have nothing else to do, but still i could be reading, writing, playing music, etc....I'm willing to bet that if i add a little creative discipline in the form of time management to my every day, i would find a ton more time that i can spend filling myself up with good and happy things. How will i do this? For the next 30 days, i WILL (please someone, hold me to this):
1. Limit TV to one hour per day OR one movie, but not both
2. spend 30 minutes minimum in the scriptures
3. spend 30 minutes minimum walking OUTSIDE. I live in a beautiful section of town with tons of sidewalks, so no excuses.
4. Make a solid and sincere effort to get 7 hours of sleep. 8 has always been too much for me, but 7 to 7.5 is almost perfect. I must do what it takes to get proper rest, because most of my panic attacks happen due to lack of rest.
5. During any other free time, instead of TV or computer i will spend time reading books i've been meaning to get to, writing, practicing my guitar, finding ways to serve others, or visiting friends and family.

My plan is to see how doing this for 30 days impacts my attitude about my life and how i feel emotionally, physically and spiritually. I realize this may seem very "structured" for me (and i kind of buck the whole structure thing) but i really think its what i need to create new, productive habits to get me out of my current whirlpool of whatever. Plus, moderation has never really been my style when it comes to change....all or nothing baby.

Finding Joy

2011-05-09T02:13:00.000-06:00

Today turned out to be a little bit of a tear-jerker. But in a good way, if that makes sense. Today was supposed to be a day off for me but, and really no surprise here, i had to work. My store has been experiencing the black plague of car troubles over the last month , so i was 2 drivers down and ended up going in to drive for 10 hours. I wasn't thrilled about the situation...mainly because it was mother's day and i wanted to see my mom, and also because i haven't had a day off in almost 3 weeks and i'm tired and still trying to fight off being sick. Sooooo, to make myself in a better mood and enjoy my driving shift (which i actually love when i get to do by the way), i listened to instrumental music, a wonderful talk on CD by Richard G. Moore called "Magnifying Your Spirituality", and was extra sweet to all of my customers when i delivered to them. At one point i was on my way back to the store when i noticed a girl (somewhere in her 20's i'd say) walking down the street. She was still a little ahead of me as i waited at a 4 way stop. i saw her playfully jump up onto the curb as she crossed over it...almost as if she was floating. Then, as she walked past a row of bushes and trees, she stuck her hand out and lightly brushed them as she walked past. Watching those small and seemingly meaningless actions radiated pure joy to me. I was witnessing someone being happy and enjoying the world around her. And i just started to cry. Not because i was sad, but because watching someone have a small bit of joy in the moment was so beautiful. She had no idea who was watching, but i learned something from her today. I want more joy in my everyday life. How many beautiful things do i miss out on because i'm just too busy to stop and notice it? Wanna know one of my goals this week? to find something every single day...no matter how small....that brings me joy. And when i find that thing i will stop and allow myself to experience the beauty of it. Wanna join me?

I Promise I'm Alive

2011-04-28T02:22:00.000-06:00

Wow its been awhile i guess. I've thought about writing a ton of times...but i'm usually at work or driving or some other random location where i don't really have time or access. By the time i get home i give way to a zombie-like state where i remain until i finally force myself to go to sleep. Oh i've had plenty to write about...the adventures of my job (never-ending stories right there) or all the lovely time i"ve been spending with my sister and her kiddos (i say "all" as if its a lot...but its not really. hopefully they don't get sick of me any time soon). Or i could complain about how my body feels like its attacking me more often than not with all the weird pain and fatigue issues...or the fact i don't sleep much. But I figure that's a boring subject anyway and nobody really wants to hear about my altercations with my body. I would like to say, however, that i feel good changes coming. I mean within myself. I've recently started going to counseling and I LOVE IT. My first experience with a counselor, about a year after being robbed, wasn't what i was really hoping for. It took her about 5 minutes in to the conversation to diagnose me with post traumatic stress disorder, so i think she was just trying to be gentle and therefore did A LOT of listening and not much else. I enjoyed it, i did, but it wasn't really what i needed. What she didn't realize about me was that i am very self-aware and analytical and i want direction. Let's get in there and get down to the nitty-gritty. She was sweet as can be but just not the best fit for me personally. Fast forward two years and now i'm trying it again. This guy...he gives it to me straight. He's not afraid to call me a control freak (which he did, by the way) or challenge me by saying "so what if you are a failure, what then?"...and i love it. Because that's what i've wanted...someone who will tell it to me like it is but in a loving way. I feel inspired, for the first time in 3 years probably, to really move out of my "safe zone" and to stop hiding. I feel clarity on my issues and why i allow them to exist. So here's to being me, with all my strengths AND weaknesses (i'm even trying to embrace my neurotic/obsessive side for the first time ever instead of pretending it doesn't exist....although all of you who know me know its part of who i am)...and here's to being excited for what comes next.

"One-eyed Jilly" (not to be confused with one-eyed willy from Goonies)

2011-01-28T00:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's me with an eye patch. Sooo....what we have here is one of those eye infections i get due to allergies. Those of you who have known me long enough have probably seen me struggle with these. I decided to wear an eye patch at work so it would stay closed and thus be able to heal...and to keep it free from cornmeal or other random debris. It also allowed me to keep my fingers out of it and from being otherwise "eye obsessed" (that was for you stacey). I have to say, i definitely take for granted the ability to see out of both eyes. Here are a few lessons i learned while being half blind:

1. No depth perception. Here is a list of things i ran into today (much to the amusement of my employees, who for some strange reason kept cracking pirate jokes)...the oven, any and all door frames, the coke cooler, stacks of dough trays, various employees (thanks for being understanding guys). I also really struggled with taking orders on the touch screen, as it was usually either closer or farther away than i thought. I went to grab for a pizza screen and instead of quickly getting it like normal, my whole hand went through the rack and knocked half of them off. whoops.

2. Peripheral Vision is highly important. Since I could not see on my left side, anything to my left was unsafe. I would usually forget about that until it was too late. For instance, i would turn to the left by the oven and scrape the crap out of my arm on some screws. Or i would turn to the left and knee an unsuspecting driver in the head who was trying to get something on the bottom rack (still sorry about that, Jon).

3. When you take off an eye patch and open an eye that hasn't been in use for a few hours.....you feel kinda wonky. It was amazing to notice the reaction of the eye i had been using solely when i finally opened the covered eye. I think hallucinations almost happened.

4. Your body will compensate. Towards the end of the night, i noticed the muscles in the right side of my body were sore, tense and tired and crampy. I had been using my right eye only. I noticed that once i took the patch off for good, it eventually subsided. I guess my right side was compensating for the feeling of imbalance on the left. interesting.

Anyway, while this is probably only interesting to me, i just thought i'd share my lessons learned. Oh, and i also learned that you take on quite a few more nicknames than normal....

Ramblings from the mind of Jill

2011-01-06T10:09:00.003-07:00

I just wanna know….how do you get over burn out? I know other people experience it too…whether it be in their jobs or in their home lives. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job. I won’t lie to you and say its easy, because its not….not when my goals are to take the store higher and make it better. But lately I just feel like all of the wind has been let out of my sails. I guess I mostly feel that the problem really lies within me. That maybe if I can find balance and peace within myself then I will have more to give to my job and in service to others. I know I need to spend more time in scripture study and in prayer. The relationship I have with my Heavenly Father and my Savior are important to me. Unfortunately, I haven’t spent as much time there lately and I’m definitely feeling the totality of that. There are also a few words and key areas that bring balance and fulfillment to my life. My essential self is characterized by three words…three words that are the summation of what makes me me. Trusting, Passionate, Self-expressed. A life coach once told me that as long as I was being true to these three things, and found evidence of them in my life, that I would be grounded. So I have to ask myself…am I being trusting? Am I being passionate? Am I being self-expressed? I know I am in some ways, but am I truly being true to me? There are also four ways that I relieve stress and get “filled up”. One is through physical activity. Yeah…not really doing that one right now, which is a huge problem and opens up a whole other can of worms into what’s out of whack in my life right now. One is through music. I am playing more music lately which is helping…teaching myself songs on the guitar or writing them completely from scratch. But I’ve been suspecting lately that what I really want, what I really need is for my hands to be on a piano more regularly. Those of you who have known me for a while know that this is an important part of who I am. I spent so many years practicing and playing the piano that without it I feel like something is missing. And for the past several years I haven’t been playing hardly at all. The third area is through spending time in the outdoors. I LOVE being outside…in the mountains, at the beach, in a park…it really makes no difference. If there is water around, then its that much better. Being outside reminds me that a loving God created this beautiful world. Kind of hard to do in the winter but you get my drift. And last, but certainly not least, is the fourth grounding factor. Quality time with family and friends. Since “quality time” is my primary love language, this one is very important to me. And is really the only one that is getting adequate play time right now. On days off I often go to my sister’s house and hang out all day. Just being in their space makes me feel so much joy. I need to see my parents more (sorry mom), so that is an area I need to focus on, because I love my parents and enjoy their company. And I also spend a lot of time with some good friends and my brother. So things, for the first time in a while, are doing okay in that area. I guess what comes next is action. Since I know what needs to be done, all that’s left to do is to do it, right? Too bad that’s the hard part. I can be self-aware all day long, but action? Yeesh.

House of Bricks

2011-01-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

I wrote this several years ago and some of you may have read it because i posted it a while back. But i've been thinking about the Atonement lately and how grateful i am that i have a Savior that can pick up my pieces....

House of Bricks

A house of bricks with four strong walls

to outside elements won't fall

It takes a special kind of wind

to dispense doom and bring its end.

With inside pieces flying 'round

Those sturdy walls come crashing down

And in one final deafning sound

All is still upon that ground.

But mostly one would always find

atleast small parts of house that rise

From heaps of rubble upward bound

to be rebuilt once they are found.

A skillful carpenter can fix

this humble house of crumbled bricks

And with his healing hands he works

to build it stronger than at first.

And in no time it seems it stands

a masterpiece of careful hands

A witness to the neighbors there

The power of His redeeming care.

Forgiveness

2010-12-30T00:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how i view myself and its effect on how i show up to others. Or how it affects really every aspect of my life. I realize that i've been giving myself so much negative self-talk for a while now that its really no wonder i've been struggling with almost a crippling disappointment in myself. I know i can't change how i've done things, and most of it i wouldn't even if i could. But sometimes i hold myself to such high expectations that i set myself up for failure. I've made some mistakes, some outright bad decisions, and not followed through on things i really wanted to do for myself. But i've also had successes, celebrations, and some fun along the way. The reality is, i do have all of this stuff i want to do, changes i need to make...but i just feel kind of stuck. I've been stuck for some time now and i don't even know what's keeping me from moving forwards towards my personal goals for my life. Tonight i was sitting and thinking about my disappointments in myself, and i thought of a word, a key to what could possibly unstick me....forgiveness. Often times we think of forgiveness as something we give to someone outside of ourselves. But just as important as that is the ability to forgive ourselves. Sure, i'd like to be further ahead in my life goals and ambitions than where i currently dwell. But i realize that i beat myself up so much for falling short that i actually hinder myself from being able to get there. Its like i've created a fear of success within my soul. And i need to forgive myself for those mistakes, bad decisions, and goals i haven't yet hit. I need to forgive myself for beating me up constantly. Because if i can forgive myself for my sometimes impossible standards, i just might create the freedom and space to move forward.

Jar of Hearts

2010-12-21T23:13:00.000-07:00

I heard this song today and fell in love with it. Maybe because it speaks to me about several different subjects in my life. the video is a little weird, but i forgive her.

Glory

2010-12-16T01:33:00.001-07:00

Sickened by such lonesome thoughts

I stand still on my ground

The havoc that this weight has wrought

Awakens every sound

The crying in the blackest night

The shout of joy and peace

Soothing songs when done what's right

When faith's strength has increased

The echo of my hollow voice

Against blank walls and stares

Reflects again my own true choice

Though some no longer care

And I with my new found glory here

Stand proudly and content

Pushed aside both pain and fear

My soul no longer rent

Put Your Trust Where It Belongs

2010-12-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I was at dinner tonight with my dear friend Amy and we had a conversation about being single in the church and how isolating it can feel at times. We all know the stereotype about how those in the LDS church get married young and have lots of babies. While it is just a stereotype, its one that seems to be true. Now just to be clear, i'm not knocking those who do get married young and start a family. But for those of us who (gasp) push 30 and older and are not yet married, there is a certain amount of pressure. We no doubt do it to ourselves, as it is not in the gospel way to expect us to marry the wrong person just because we feel we need to be married. Nevertheless, the pressure does exist, even if it's in our own minds. The question was posed to me "don't you just wish you were married already and starting a family?" Well, a part of me says yes...that part that longs to find my partner in life (or crime, however you want to look at it ;) And a whole other part of me says no. I say that because i feel like my life has happened exactly as it should, with all of its obstacles and road bumbs and celebrations. Is it always easy? definitely not, not even close. But had i been married already i wouldn't have experienced some of the growth in the same way...the way i feel was meant for me. We are all different people, with our own set of strengths and weaknesses. It takes different experiences for each of us to cause the growth that will help us become the best version of ourselves. Sure i hope that someday i will find someone who will complete me and be my best friend and companion through life and eternity. But i also refuse to wait to live my life until that day comes. My life is happening right now. I get to choose to be happy right now. I do feel lonely sometimes, but i also know that if i live my life the best i can and be open to love, that my loving Heavenly Father that blesses me with all things will also bless me with someone who loves me. Therefore, i'll keep moving forward and put my trust where it belongs.

No Name Face

2010-12-11T01:50:00.000-07:00

I came across this song i wrote in one of my journals earlier today. i have about 5 different journals that i write in whenever i feel like it and occasionally i go through them just to read what i've written. i remember writing this during my stay in maryland (despite what i'm about to tell you i had a blast that year, by the way). For those who don't know, i had some hard rounds with a nemesis called depression during that year. I couldn't have been in a better place while going through that because of support offered by a great friend, but i awoke one morning with these words playing through my head. I only had the first verse and the chorus, so hopefully one day i'll come up with the rest....and if only i could make the music i hear in my head transpose itself into my fingers....

"No Name Face"

A new day dawns
The curtains drawn
A million things that were left unsaid the day before
A single tear
No ears to hear
Then comes that old familiar knocking at my door

And its you
With the no name face
You're out of place
And still you keep on comin' round
Its too soon
To come back now
Don't you remember how
You left my heart in pieces on the ground

Changes

2010-12-03T03:18:00.000-07:00

Some changes need to be made... i've been in a huge inquiry about me and my life for some time now. I've really struggled the last couple of years within myself about the difference between where i am and where i want to be. Often the distance seems so great that i become overwhelmed and discouraged. As I was pondering tonight about how i'm currently living my life and who i'm being, i realized something that i think i've known but haven't clearly identified...i'm not living my life, i'm surviving it. Somewhere along the way in these past few years i lost my ability to fully live and create my world and be responsible for it. Instead i've been wrapped up in being "too busy". Too busy to get appropriate amounts of rest, too busy to be physically active, too busy to fuel my body in healthy ways, too busy to have a social life, too busy to be as involved in church activities as i'd like to be. Too busy to serve. And all of this busy-ness has caused me to become incredibly unbalanced in my life. Yes, my job is all-consuming most of the time. Yes, sometimes that means i don't get enough sleep. I've had to work sundays, and i work most nights so it really hinders spending time with friends almost at all. But the real reality is i don't manage my time well. I do work alot of hours, but i still have plenty of time that i waste doing, well, nothing. or nothing that really matters anyway. When i do the math after taking out my average of 60 hours of work a week and allotting myself an average of 7 hours sleep a night (which i almost never get, but here's to hoping), i'm left with 7.5 hours a day. I think about that 7.5 hours and i honestly can't tell you what i do during that time. Sure, some of it is spent eating, showering, running errands....but what else do i do? nothing. while doing nothing is necessary sometimes and probably best for me to have a little bit each day, i waste too much life sitting on my couch or on my laptop or....i don't really know what. And i just feel done. Done hiding, done sitting, done being a survivor of my life and not the creator of it. Done sabotaging myself for the sake of self-destruction. Who i am being at this stage of my life is not who i am. Who i really am is strong, loving, commited to living a life of passion and self-expression and creativity. Who i am is spritual, healthy and inspiring. I want to be who i feel i'm meant to be in this world. I have no idea how to shed my survival skin and start living again, but i know it can be done. And i promise you i will figure it out....

Thankful

2010-11-27T01:40:00.000-07:00

This may be a day late, but i do things on my own time anyway :). I was at work today and thinking about how grateful i am for the relationships i have with my family. Like any family, we have our issues...but we really enjoy being together. I love my parents, and they love me. I'm grateful for the close friendships i have with my siblings. They truly are my best friends, and i know that it is rare these days. i'm thankful for my trials and tests i go through in my life. While i'm glad i don't keep score of how well i get through them (i'm sure the scoreboard would read Jill: 2 Trials: 20), its in the struggle that i truly grow as a person and gain the experience i need to be the best Jill i can be. And to be honest, the part of me that seems to be addicted to suffering really enjoys the struggle in some weird, twisted way. Don't judge me. I'm also thankful for the wonderful friends i have and have had in the past... for the love i got from them and the good times we've had. i'm so incredibly thankful for the Atonement and the healing power that comes from knowing i can be cleansed from my mistakes in life and strive to be better with a clean slate. I feel lucky for the life i've had and look forward to the years to come.

Stories Untold (revisited because its true)

2010-11-10T09:08:00.001-07:00

its funny the stories we tell ourselves. its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them. The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?" Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us. Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales. We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah. How about creating a new story? Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you? Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are. you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be. Happiness is real, people. Don't let anyone tell you different.

2010-11-10T08:47:00.001-07:00

Poor Me (a song)

2010-10-13T21:47:00.001-06:00

This is actually a song i wrote sometime within the past two years. I don't know why i'm sharing it except i've been singing it in my head all day. And mom, seriously don't worry about me because of the lyrics, k? They have multiple meanings....

a hurt that never ends, entangled in my heart
a longing to be cleansed, to get another start
but i cannot see that light and i'm drowning in the dark
i'll admit i'm falling all apart
paralyzed by emotions, a commotion
binding me...it won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"

it feels cold inside my soul, everytime i breathe
my walls are caving in, and its suffocating me
i need a remedy, or am i asking for too much
and it feels just close enough to touch
paralyzed by the one thing that can save me
but numb devotions won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"
poor me.

Musical Musings

2010-09-14T23:18:00.001-06:00

I'm in a musical kinda mood tonight. Well, lets be honest...i'm always in a musical mood. But i'd like to write about it. I finally got my living room/kitchen situated in my apartment and am just hanging out on the couch. I won't lie, i had to close my bedroom door so i could shut out the disaster going on in there, but i digress...

So, just in case any of you care (and maybe you don't, but that won't stop me) this is my playlist for the night. I would suggest you check these lovely tunes out. now.

"Unfold" by Marie Digby
"By & By" by Brett Dennen
"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne
" #41" by Dave Matthews Band
"Feelin' the Same Way" by Norah Jones
"Sway" by the Kooks
"I Like What You Say" by Nada Surf
"O Valencia!" by The Decembers
"London Still (Live)" by The Waifs
"Lullaby" by Alana Davis
"1 2 3 4" by Feist
"Let It Be Me" by Ray LaMontagne
"Freedom Hangs Like Heaven" by Iron & Wine
"Oxygen" by Colbie Caillat
"Heart in a Cage" by The Strokes (this one has a word or two of language, not much but just warning you)

Well this isn't all, but its sums up some of it. Seriously good music that i just feel like sharing in case you feel the need to expand your musical palette.

What a Time It's Been....

2010-08-31T02:10:00.000-06:00

I do most of my reflecting in the middle of the night. Sure, i should probably be doing something more productive such as sleeping, but the truth is its really the only time of my day where i can just be in my own quiet space without interruption. So next time any of you find yourselves perplexed as to why i stay up until 5 in the morning even though i get home by 2....its because its "jill time". Anyway, tonight i was performing my nightly ritual of sitting under my warm covers while playing on my laptop and i realized that exactly one year ago i was in the midst of driving cross country with my sister...(great time, by the way). So much happens in one year, and things don't always go as planned. Even just the range of emotions one experiences in a year's time is amazing. This year i experienced excitement, fear, homelessness (just for a week mind you), joy, sleep deprivation, adventure, love, heartbreak and profound understanding just to name a few. Its been a year of significant growth and incredible hard work for me. Some of it has been gut wrenchingly hard, and some of it has been fantastically fun. Through it all i've realized the deep gratitude i have for a Heavenly Father who knows more than i do. I had no idea a year ago that i would be back in NC right now. I had no idea that the hard work and long hours i pulled this past year between work and school would help me in my job now. I had no idea how much i would learn at LDS Business College and what it would mean for my understanding of business and how to be successful. And the spiritual/emotional journey has been priceless. Some days i'm wiped out and all i truly wish for is to be independently wealthy so i can go explore the globe, but despite my desires to become escape to new adventures, i know deep down that everything works together for my good....especially when its hard. I need the hard moments because its the only way i can truly appreciate the easy ones. I need them because its the only way i can push and stretch myself to be able to get where only the Lord can see me being. In the span of my life, whats a few months of sleep deprivation while riding a topsy turvy learning curve? Eventually the dust settles, i brush my self off and buckle up for the next ride-of-a-lifetime.

um...

2010-08-17T01:18:00.002-06:00

Farewell Utah....

2010-06-06T12:16:00.000-06:00

So i thought about writing this several times over the last week but just never got around to it. I drove out of Salt Lake on tuesday and arrived in NC on thursday night. The drive was actually pretty great. I wasn't sure how it was going to be by myself, but i gave myself three days to do it so i wouldn't be pushing myself to hard. The first night i stopped in Nebraska in some old hotel. The guy behind the desk was an older man from India who lectured me for 40 minutes on the downfall of the american economy. I just wanted my room key. The second night i stayed in Edwardsville, IL with the Bowermans. It was nice to visit with Lisa, Rich and Sarah and get a good nights sleep. The last day i began to feel a little tired but drove into winston before it got too late. I was blessed with good weather and an uneventful trip...which for those of you who know me know how great that is. I've had some mixed feelings all this time about my move. I know its what i need to do, what the Lord wants for me at this stage in my life. But there is also a sadness for leaving Utah even though i didn't really like it that much. I'm sad to leave my brother, katie and my cute as a button claire-bear. I'm sad to leave a few of my friends. And a part of me is weirded out to be back in winston-salem for the first time in several years where i'm actually going to stay for a while instead of move somewhere else. I am, however, eager to keep moving forward in my life goals...and i'm excited to be close to my family (especially my little Bells) and loved ones again. Who knows what happens next.....

My Dad

2010-05-17T11:09:00.000-06:00

I just love this picture of my dad...every time i see it, it makes me laugh. So, naturally, I stole it from my mom's blog to share with all of you. Love you Dad!

Such a Girl

2010-05-07T18:24:00.000-06:00

There are only a few things i dislike about being a girl. One of those things is my emotional color wheel. Something happens and i move from one extreme to the other until i finally settle on middle ground. Unfortunately, sometimes i do a little demolition work in the process without warning people to wear their hard-hats. I wish i could say its unusual behavior for me, because I am often very level headed about life. The truth is that someone that is emotional and passionate like me is prone to these types of things. Does that make me a bad person?

Melancholy

2010-04-23T13:54:00.000-06:00

I've been getting frequent visits from my friend melancholy the past couple of days. If you know me well enough, you understand that and i don't need to explain further. Have a good day.

Sorry, for this is pretty random....

2010-04-20T14:50:00.000-06:00

Sometimes i just want to write but don't know what to write about and this is one of those days. The weather is beautiful here in utah right now. good tunes are playing from my speakers. I feel pretty good physically. I have to say, this is a welcome change from the hecticosity from the past two semesters. The trees are blooming and i LOVE seeing the green after being stuck in a such a brown world this winter. One thing is for sure, i do not like utah winters. It didn't even snow here much, but what with the inversion and brown....i think i got a little depressed. Speaking of utah, i think i'm leaving. I'm not one hundred percent sure yet, but i feel that my time here is up for now and that i have new adventures awaiting me back east. Not really sure what that means or where i'll be, i'm just saying how i feel as of this moment. I'll let you all know more as i make my decisions. I'm still registering for classes here just in case i stay. I went and drove a toyota prius today, and almost bought it. but i didn't. i think i'll drive mine til it dies, because honestly my car is a good one and its fun to drive anyway. plus i've been trying to make smarter financial moves in my life. at this point i'm just rambling about random subjects. you should listen to this song. And this song. i'm craving a road trip. i think i'll go walk in the park......

What Makes Me Happy

2010-04-15T17:14:00.000-06:00

You know what makes me really happy? Coming home to these beauties in the front yard. Tulips are my favorite flowers...they literally bring joy to my soul. Its just such a shame they only stick around for a few weeks, i would love to enjoy them all summer....

Midnight Meditations

2010-04-13T05:41:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have those nights where you lie awake all night trying to figure out what the heck is going on with your life? Maybe its because you work so hard and suddenly feel you have nothing to show for it, or you realize you haven't followed your dream, or you realize you can't pay your bills this month....whatever your reason, i think you can agree with me that it isn't the most pleasant experience. One of my religion professors this semester talked about how one day when we're about 50 we'll lie awake at night and take measure of our lives. All i could think was "are you kidding me? I do that now!" Sometimes i feel like a complete failure, almost as if its my destiny to continuously fail at life. I suppose i will never stop reaching for success, whatever that looks like. Maybe one day i'll wake up and see that all the failures were indeed successes in some twisted way. I can tell you one thing, that day is not today. Its in these moments where we feel completely broken that makes me realize why its necessary....its what keeps us humble, or more specifically me. These moments allow the Lord to teach me that my life is not measured by what car i have or if i can pay the phone bill this month or what grade i got in my writing class. Its in knowing that no matter what, life is always doable if I rely on Him. "Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?....for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Mathew 6: 31-33). I take comfort in this scripture because I know that whatever i'm worried about won't kill me, but even if it does I know i'll be okay.

Hope You Don't Mind a Good Ramble

2010-04-09T06:30:00.001-06:00

I would like to make an announcement. I just had my last excruciating thursday!!!!! No more 10 hours at school immediately followed by 10 hours at work. Oh how sweet will be my life now that i can have a regular sleep schedule! Speaking of school ending, i have to admit i'm not 100% satisfied with how i finished the semester. I don't want to make excuses for myself because I am solely responsible, however i feel that the explanation can be boiled down to one word: BURNOUT. Total burnout. Want to go play with a friend and shirk all my responsibilities because i can't take it anymore burnout. Don't worry, its not like i stopped going to school or anything, its just that i didn't finish as strong as i would have liked in two of my classes. Let this be a lesson learned....I am not meant to be a workaholic. I need playtime. And I set myself up because i spent the last...well since i got here....only doing work and school and sleep and panic and not doing things that are good for the balance of my soul. Do you see the key phrase? BALANCE. On that note, I'd like to leave you with a rant. Do you know what really annoys me every single day that i'm at school? People don't let other people off elevators. They wait patiently for the elevator, but when it finally opens they can't wait one more possible second to let the person trying to get off at that floor make their exit. They just barge right in and there is this awkward standoff moment where the person trying to exit starts to feel trapped. Seriously people. This happens every day. several times. by different people. It literally blows my mind. If you wait 3 minutes for an elevator, whats another 3 seconds? The doors aren't going to close immediately behind the other person like they do in every spy movie. And the worst part? Every time i witness this i have to hold my own hand to keep from snatching that person by the bookbag and pulling them back so that the poor innocent person can get off the elevator. Grow some common sense.

Not So Bad

2010-03-29T01:56:00.000-06:00

You know, life is really interesting. Sometimes i wonder why i struggle with the things i do and why i feel so alone in that struggle. And then i have a moment where i realize (once again), that Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with my life. I may not understand it, but there is a plan for me. Despite the fact that sometimes i feel like i've reached my limit, I know He will not give me anything i can't handle. It is also to shape me into who He knows i can become. For as much pain and heartbreak that i have felt, I know the joy is that much more exquisite. And that's not so bad.

Dear Sunshine

2010-03-25T11:23:00.000-06:00

Dear Sunshine,

I cannot begin to express how glad i have been to see you lately. I've been looking forward to your sweet face after a long, ugly winter. Please feel free to spread your light upon me any time you wish. My feet have begun to rejoice that they will be freed from their shoes soon and bask in your warm light. I know you are working hard, but could you please hurry the warmth? While i love to see you, i really love to feel you too. Adventures await us....

Forever yours,
Jilly

Stories Untold

2010-03-21T22:21:00.000-06:00

Jill in a Box

2010-03-19T17:04:00.000-06:00

I feel like i'm in a box. A very small one. As I'm training for the new job and still working at the pizza place the same amount of hours and with school....I just don't feel like i'm going to make it. 4 more weeks. 4. That's all i have to get through until the semester is over and i can get sleep like a normal person. I'm torn between being a worn out burned out jilbeez and a grateful happy one. About three months ago i started longing for the east coast and i haven't been sure whether its because my experience here has been incredibly hard or because I'm really ready to go back there at some point soon. I just feel kind of done with Utah. Its nice and all, but its not where i'm supposed to be long term. So, thus begins the exploration into what this restlessness is i'm feeling and what decisions i need to make. Will I stay here, or go somewhere else? That is the question....

Just Some Thoughts

2010-03-16T02:02:00.001-06:00

Why do i allow myself to be a victim of my own life?

The truth is I do know how to overcome. It may not be the easiest but it is a choice..

a choice to overcome silently, for that is a true hero to me

One who can endure, rise above

and choose positive, self-growth and supreme spirituality over

negativity, poor me and vicitim mud.

Take responsibility, for it is the only way out

It is the doorway out of the darkness and the beginning of a new life

A life where my obstacles are opportunities and i choose the better part.

Where I inspire my world, for that is what i truly want my life to be.

I want to be a beacon of love

I want to be light in darkness

I want to bring happiness, joy and peace

Why I Love My Mom

2010-03-14T08:15:00.000-06:00

Well, there are really lots of reasons. But what i'm really grateful for today is that my mom is there for me. I kind of made her into my go-to person during panic attacks, and she never really got a say in it. But you know, when i don't feel well (and lets face it, during attacks i REALLY do not feel well) or when i'm feeling like life is too hard, i still really just want my mommy. I don't think that goes away with age, or atleast not yet anyway. Last night i had a horrible unexpected attack, the worst one i've had in a really long time. I had to do something or i was going to lose control, and even though i knew it was 5 am there, i needed to call my mom. I've only done that maybe 2 or 3 times ever, and i always feel horribly for it. But in the moment there seems to be no other choice. She picked right up and talked me down, the way only a really great mother could. So i just want to publicly say how great my mom is for putting up with all my physical nonsense and making me feel better. Thank you Mom!

Can I Get It?

2010-03-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

So i'm working really hard on learning the services i'll be selling in my new job, but i'm still wavering when we do role plays. ugh. in good news though, my boss says i'm one of the stronger sellers even over my team lead. That kind of made me feel good. Lets just hope i can handle the phones.

While I'm on the Subject....

2010-03-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

While i'm on the subject of relationships (or lack thereof), I'd like to share something i saw on my friend's facebook today. She said "Being single is like drowning...if you just relax and let it happen it's not so bad." I thought it was pretty funny. I think i will use this in the future for my friends who feel discouraged that they are "too old" and not married yet. While I, like any normal human, want someone by my side to be my companion through life's ups and downs, I don't feel the need to rush. I figure if i can't find someone in this life who wants to be with me, i'll just wait and let Heavenly Father pick him out for me. In the meantime, i'll just drown.

Huh?

2010-03-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

So a few days ago i had a guy that's in a few of my classes ask me "hey jill, you're married right?".....umm...no. He was like "really? we all thought you were...you just kind of have that married air about you". What? What exactly is the married "air"? Does it smell a certain way? Have any of them realized in the last two months that i never wear a ring or mention my husband when i make comments in class? I asked him why it seemed i was married and he said "well, i guess because you seem really mature or something." Mature, huh? Maybe its because i'm at least 5 years older than most of them. only in utah......

If He Can Do It, I Can Too....Right?

2010-03-06T06:08:00.000-07:00

So i was just scrolling my way through cyberspace, and i got to thinking about the constant complaining I do about my relationship with my sleep schedule. I mean, think on this....Albert Einstein averaged 2 hours of sleep per night for a 15 year span in which time he earned 8 degrees. Maybe that explains why everyone thought he was crazy and his hair looked like he just stepped off a tilt-a-whirl. If he can average 2 hours a night for 15 years, i can handle a measly sleep irregularity for a few semesters, right?

The Countdown Begins

2010-03-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

You know what i think of when i see this image? Freedom...warmth....fun....adventures....did i say freedom yet? Here's the deal. I only have 6, count 'em, SIX weeks of school left in this semester. whew. It still feels like a really long time, but i. am. burned. out. big time. I put in like 75 hours a week right now between work, school and homework and i've been doing it since september. non-stop. and i'm freakin' tired. It hasn't been easy thats for sure. It probably seems harder than it really is because i'm always bouncing back and forth on my sleep times. For instance, I sleep at night on monday, go to school all day tuesday and work all tuesday night, sleep during the day wednesday, go to one class, take sleeping pills and sleep during the night wednesday, go to 10 holy cow hours of class on thursday and drive straight to work for 10 more hours there, sleep during the day friday, get up just in time to be back at work at 5pm and work all night friday and all night saturday, take a nap and get up sunday for church and then it starts all over. is your head reeling yet? cuz mine is. Sometimes i take on a shift sunday night too if a driving one comes up. What my body really needs is a regular sleep pattern. Therefore i'm glad to say that i am not taking classes this summer. Well, its the rest thing plus the fact that i don't want to pay $200 per credit hour without financial aid. I also decided to try and get out of my job 1) because i don't think i'm cut out for 3rd shift, 2) i really really want to get away from that good-but-not-good-for-you food, and 3) because i hate how the store is managed (or not managed you could say), i'm sick of talking to drunk people all night, and i also want to make more money in less hours. Sounds fun, right? And so, i have an interview tomorrow! Wish me luck! Oh summer...i can feel you.....

Shhh....don't tell...or tell EVERYONE!!!

2010-03-02T17:17:00.001-07:00

okay, so i have a little secret. I've been keeping another blog. I started it back in September just as a place to write...and then didn't do much past the first two entries. I since have decided to chronicle my "Odyssey of Health" (as i like to call it) on that blog and use it for a method of accountability. And so, if you feel the urge (and i hope you do) you can go here to read my story and keep up with my progress. whew....i hope i don't regret this!

Adrenaline Junkie

2010-02-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well I'm not, but apparently my body is. ugh. The worst time to have adrenaline coursing through your veins is when you are trying to go to sleep, or are already asleep (as i was... not too long ago) only to be awakened by your body in the midst of it freaking out. excellent. While my mind is okay, i'm just waiting now for the unnecessary energy to wear off so i can go lay back down. After all, I really don't want to sleep all day. I would go outside and walk it off (seeing how it is light out now) but because my body temperature often drops during an attack, being even colder than i am right now is not at all appealing. Its a good thing my roommate can't hear me down here wearing tracks in the carpet where i pace around my room on a fairly regular basis. I'm not really surprised, though. I knew i would end up like this at some point tonight. Let me explain, for lack of better things to do right now...

I pulled up to work around 5 p.m....i opened my car door and stuck my leg out but then remembered it was cold outside so i reached back into my passenger seat to grab a sweatshirt. As soon as i pulled on my hoodie i turned to finish getting out of the car when suddenly i heard a loud (and surprising) "HEY" (you know the kind when people are trying to scare you, loud and fast) and there was this big guy sticking his head partly in my car. Even though i recognized my co-worker, it took a while for it to "click". I immediately felt that all too familiar rush of adrenaline and i just reacted. I remember shoving him hard (apparently i pushed his head into my car door i found out later...i saw the mark) and yelling at him, probably not using the best language. About this time it finally clicked that this was my friend and i was not being attacked, so then i continued to yell at him saying things like "you know i have a panic problem, why would you even do that, what's wrong with you?" and him saying "i forgot, i forgot i'm so sorry, i forgot!" He apparently did not appreciate the welt on his head or the yelling because suddenly he was mad at me and stormed off. Honestly i felt bad for getting on to him like that, but here i was now trying to start my shift with a full blown panic attack going on (not my mind, just my body...its so much better when my mind is calm!) and i felt really violated. Its hard enough having them frequently on the weekends, but its just not fair when its caused by someone else and i was doing just fine and in a good mood. The adrenaline did come in handy as we were really busy, however, and he did come by later to apologize and give me a hug. He promised not to do that anymore (yeah right...he's always trying to scare people). I don't mind if you scare me a little, but don't come at me like an attacker because i won't be responsible if your head becomes acquanted with my car door again. just saying. maybe i can go lay down now....

Blast from the Past

2010-02-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why i'm sharing this today. But, nevertheless, i am. Maybe someone will read this who needs it...or maybe that person is me. I don't know. I was just flipping through one of my old journals..one of my favorites actually. It was handcrafted in some other country and my aunt betsy gave it to me one year for christmas. It is a pretty green and covered with tiny beads that give it and interesting texture and design...and i have filled the unlined pages with my deepest thoughts. As I was flipping through, i came across some amusing entries, ones i don't remember writing but have a profound effect on me now. For instance, one dated June 25, 2006 reads "Today is a good day. I forgot how it feels to just be Jill." and thats all. I have no idea what it meant at the time, but reading it now means worlds to me after my last two years. But thats not the entry that caught my eye. I hope you don't mind me sharing. Its not meant for anything other than I felt i should. I hope someone finds something in it they need. I realized while reading this that i haven't felt like this in some time...probably because i'm just too busy. It is dated in September of 2006:

"Sometimes I experience a heart-breaking pain. It is a loneliness, a feeling of no worth. Today has been such a day. As I flipped my scriptures open, I came to a scripture in D&C 136:31. It stated that God tries us in all things to prepare us for the Kingdom of God and other experiences in our lives. I think I realized that I hurt so much because I love so deeply. If I put away the pain, then it means I would have to love less. I don't want that. I don't think i could love less and be happy. After all, it states in my blessing that my purpose is to love and bring others happiness and joy. Maybe this is my glimpse (however greatly smaller) into how the Savior feels. He loves us so much - enough to suffer like He did for each one of us personally, and yet people do not love Him back. My appreciation for Him grows when I ponder on how He must feel. I will keep loving and look forward with an eternal perspective."

I realize that that is deeply personal. But I want all of you to know how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and want to be like Him. I know He knows me, and loves me, and I await the day I can feel the prints in His hands and wash His feet with my tears. I leave you my testimony in His holy name, Amen.

Strange Occurance

2010-02-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

Obviously by now most of us here know that i have been coping with a panic disorder for almost the last two years. While it is the farthest thing from enjoyment for me, I have also been grateful for the lessons i've learned and the growth i've had while struggling with this. I've found that recently they come on when i'm overly tired, so i usually expect them on the weekends after i've had a full week of school and work and i'm feeling drained. Since i had only 6 hours of sleep in about a 72 hour period, its really no wonder it was rearing its ugly head last night. I think i've stumbled on a great way for me to deal with them in the moment. I was pulling double duty last night as both a manager and a delivery driver...i would take several deliveries, come back in the store and manage for about an hour, then hit the road again. It was probably somewhere around 2:30a.m. when i was out driving and suddenly my mouth started to go numb. This was the dialogue (out loud, mind you. luckily it was just me in the car):

"Okay, mr. panic, i'm only giving you 20 seconds to do your thing and thats it. I've got better things to do with my brain space tonight, so bring it on 'cause you don't have long. 20...19 (i was counting out loud)...18...17...seriously this is all you got?...16...15...14...you're telling me all you can pull off tonight is a measly mouth numbness?....13....12....11....really this is kinda pitiful, i mean, you've made half my body go numb before. surely you can do better than this....10....9....8...you're running out of time....7...6...5...if you're gonna bring it you better do it now....4....3...2...1. Sorry, time's up."

Jill: 1, Panic: 0. yeah, thats what i thought punk.

Apparently talking to my panic and inviting it or even wanting it to come kept it from doing just that. who knew.

Salty Fish Anyone?

2010-02-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

So after 8 years of working in the pizza industry, i finally let one of my drivers talk me into trying anchovies at work tonight. That's right, never had one. ever. but being the sardine lover that i am (bet most of ya didn't know that one, did ya?) i thought...how different can it be? I've heard how salty they are, so i was prepared for that...or so i thought. I'm here to tell you....they are SAAAAALLLLTTTYYYY!!!!!! My goodness, it literally made me gag. Well, that and the flavor itself. I figure my willingness to put my poor taste buds on the fishy front lines is a sign of bigger things to come. First stop anchovies, next stop the white house. At least i lived to tell the tail. (pun intended)

Eureka!

2010-02-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

You know how it is when you are just sitting there and suddenly have that light bulb go off in your head randomly, and you realize something you should have thought of a long time ago? well, welcome to my day yesterday. I won't lie, i've been kind of throwing myself a pity party for the last week or so. the theme? the busy-ness of my life and how it overwhelms me. its been a nice party, complete with streamers and party hats and those things that roll out and whistle when you blow. But alas, its time for it to come to an end and for my guests to go home. I was sitting in church yesterday, tired from working all night and tired just thinking about the night of work to come. We were blessed to have a choir visiting from california that sang original songs about Christ. Oh the songs were so beautiful! One was about the plan of salvation, one was about overcoming adversity. The two speakers were asked to speak about adversity as well. As i sat listening to this, i suddenly realized that i needed a huge attitude adjustment. The reality is i have three options. I can quit school (not an option), I can go about my schedule being miserable and complaining about it, or i can find joy in my journey and realize that this is all leading me towards my future and my goals. I think the latter will suffice. And so, I choose to find happiness in where i am at this moment in my life, being grateful for the many generous blessings my loving Father in Heaven bestows upon me on a daily basis. Take that, Mr. Adversity....go stalk someone who cares.

Random Thoughts

2010-02-08T15:34:00.002-07:00

I decided my blog needed a makeover. I have a hard time leaving anything the way it is for any lengthy period of time...i figure a year is long enough. Let me give you an example...growing up i shared a room with my sister for most of my childhood. We could never leave our room setup the way it was for very long, in fact i think sometimes we rearranged it every week. We typically would draw up the blueprints during sacrament meeting (hey, atleast we stayed semi-quiet) of where all of the furniture would go, then we would go home and implement the changes. There were several good things about this...first of all, it usually meant our room got really clean during the process. My sister was good about keeping her part of the room clean, but i..well..lets just say i was a little more relaxed. Another good thing about this process is that it kept us occupied on sunday afternoon. After all, Sundays can be hard for kids because of all the expected "quietness".

That reminds me, i need to rearrange my room.

Something else i've been thinking alot about lately is how lucky i am to have the siblings i do. I never really appreciated it until i became an adult, but siblings are great because they are built in friends. There is comfort in knowing that after all of the friends that have come and gone in life, there are people in my life that are constant, and that will love me no matter what. They know who i am and love me for me. It just doesn't get much better than that. That goes for parents too. Funny how the people that you once thought (in the teenage haze years) were ruining your life become your best friends later on. I guess Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with all that family talk...imagine that. ;)

Just a Hello

2010-02-02T16:22:00.002-07:00

Well, i guess it has been quite the while since i posted. The truth is, i think of things i want to write about ALL the time. I think i even start to write them in my head as if i was actually typing it. So, you may ask, why are not any of these posts on my blog? Because i don't have access to my laptop for a while, and i'm not at school as much as i was last semester and therefore spend less time in the computer lab. About a week after buying the laptop from my friend, the ac adaptor shorted out (there were actually wires sticking out of it..can we say fire hazard?). No prob, the computer is still under warranty, and therefore they assure us a new adaptor is in the mail...keeping me from having to spend $70 on one. But it is taking forever. Seriously it needs to hurry. You know what else needs to hurry? My student loan. I never knew the mail within one city could take so long!

While i'm here, i might as well tell you that all is pretty well in Jill-Land. I love all of my classes (except my business writing class...i would rather eat razor blades...), work is going as well as i could expect it to...etc. i do feel somewhat overwhelmed anyway, although i'm not really sure why. Maybe i'm just craving the warm spring air so i can be outside, because let me tell you, Utah is not that easy on the eyes during the winter...atleast Salt Lake isn't. Usually its covered in a gloomy haze due to the wonderfulness that is "inversion". Or maybe my schedule is wearing me down because i feel like i have no time to just have fun, or the extra cash to do so. Whatever it is, I'm trying to pinpoint it so i can make strides to get out of the winter blues. That said, there are two things i recommend to you:
1) If you listen to pandora.com, listen to the "citizen cope" channel for a while. you won't be sorry.
2) Watch "undercover boss", the new reality show about big time corporate CEO's who disguise themselves among their ordinary workers to find out what its really like at different levels in their company. INSPIRING. really, it will change your life.

Rants and Raves and Rambles

2010-01-04T20:33:00.003-07:00

You know how you have some days where every single pet peave you have seems to stare at you in the face? Well, i've determined that all it takes to have this experience is a trip to the local Walmart. Annoyance #1: stupid people in general. I'll break this down for you in my following list of grievances.
PEOPLE ON ESCALATORS: I understand that some people are too tired/sick/lazy to walk down stairs, and thus want to hang out on the moving staircase. i get it. I like escalators because they help me walk down (or up) the stairs faster-than-your-average-jilbeez. Therefore, please observe proper etiquette by hanging to the right so i can pass on the left. This will keep me from having to yell "LEFT" in order to pass you, and thus feeling like Tea Leoni in "Spanglish".
PEOPLE THAT THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM: no, i do not also feel that you deserve a red carpet wherever you place your blessed feet. You do not deserve to cut in line in front of everyone, nor special treatment for any reason. Just buy your things and move along please, so this urge I have to kick you in the shins will pass.
PEOPLE THAT ARE ALWAYS IN THE WAY: I swear the same two ladies blocked my path atleast 3 times during this trip to walmart in three different areas of the store, which only lasted about 10 minutes. AND, i should note that they are the type that DO. NOT. MOVE. and look at you like "this is my world and you best find another way through". I'll leave the physical description of these two women to your imagination because i know you've experienced this too. I have about three more annoyances dealing with the parking lot, but i'll spare you the torture. I will say that for the first time in three weeks, i have a day off! actually i have two. Apparently my boss finally realized i needed a break because i was starting to be mean to the customers. Just picture Bill Cosby in "Ghost Dad" coming through the phone to choke the boyfriend. Thats what i want to do every time a customer asks "what's your specials". okay, i'm done with my rant, rave and ramble. I'm off to enjoy my time with joseph, katie and claire....

This made my day

2010-01-03T17:43:00.001-07:00

Love this version of "i'm yours" by Jason Mraz. In fact i like it better than the original :) By the way, i totally sing like this when i'm by myself and don't know the words to a song...

Just some thoughts

2009-12-17T16:56:00.002-07:00

You know what i've learned lately? Life is hard. period. Although i feel singled out by this phenomenon a majority of the time, somewhere deep inside my head i know that everyone feels this way about their life too. Okay maybe not that deep inside of my head. Regardless, one of the great things about "the hard life" is that its sprinkled with hundreds upon thousands of really great genuine warm fuzzy moments. Which is how i guess we all keep trudging on despite our load. That being said, i'd like to publicly announce that (A) I am sad and slightly annoyed that i'm not able to go home for christmas, and (B) that i am going to start a book-writing adventure. I don't think i'm a good enough writer honestly to push out an entire book, nor do i know exactly what it would be about or look like. But i'm just gonna start writing and see what happens. I've always felt that i would write something one day that would help someone else....and besides, all of those weird and exciting-yet-sometimes-life-threatening experiences that i seem to attract should be good for something right?
Not to totally bore everyone, but something else that's really been on my mind lately is people. Maybe its the holidays talking, but i've really been missing people lately. Everyone that i've loved and lost throughout my life, which turns out to be quite the number actually. I'm aware of the whole "people come and go" adage but that doesn't mean i have to be a fan of it. As i look back all the way to childhood it seems that no matter how much i try to love people they flee from me as if i had a plague. Slightly an exaggeration but you get my drift. It makes for a lonely jilly. Don't get me wrong, I have some incredible friends and family that i just love and adore and for some reason love me back. I just miss people from my past sometimes, thats all. I guess its true what they say....its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all....right? If i'm a true follower of Christ then this must be true.....happy holidays!

Short Update

2009-12-02T10:29:00.003-07:00

i would do a longer one, but honestly i'm just too tired. Getting 4 hours of sleep or less a night is starting to wear me down, so needless to say i'm VERY excited that this is my last week of school. I can't even begin to tell you what the prospect of a normal amount of sleep means to me. All of you moms that wake up many times in the night understand i'm sure. AND i don't even have kids to then entertain/take care of all day so i can't really complain. I basically just stopped by to say that I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I was given several tender mercies this week that meant alot to me....very swift answers to prayer. I'm sure He saw my discouragement and decided to give me a pick-me-up to remind me that He's aware of me and that i am indeed where i'm supposed to be, even though some days it just seems too hard. It was a great way to experience thanksgiving week :)

I'm Alive!!!

2009-11-16T10:10:00.003-07:00

Yes, its true. I barely made it through last week, but i am indeed breathing (thankfully) and still kickin'. I woke up last sunday feeling very tired and lethargic in general. This isn't entirely abnormal for me because of my weird schedule and chronic lack of sleep. But after being awake for about two hours i suddenly started developing a very deep chest cough. By that night i was beginning to get the whole body ache/chills thing going on. My first thoughts were either pneumonia or swine flu. Because i'm "high risk" due to my asthma and the fact that i just don't have time to be on my death bed, i went straight to the doctor on monday morning. Good news = no swine flu or pneumonia (the doc used the word "yet" with pneumonia, which was somewhat disconcerting). Bad news = i couldn't breathe and had a pretty nasty rhinovirus (what causes the common cold). My asthma was out of control, so for the first time in years i acquired an inhaler to open my lungs. By friday most of the cold was gone (except for sinus issues) and i wasn't coughing nearly as much but i still couldn't breathe...and EVERYTHING tired me out. I was really concerned because my lungs wouldn't expand which found me back at the doctors. highlight of the day = the nurse taking me for a walk around the practice several times so we could determine if i was losing oxygen when in motion. Other patients kept looking at us weird as we kept circling (walking very fast) back through the lobby. I cracked a few jokes about walking patients instead of dogs, my squeeky shoes, etc. And then found that not only was i not losing oxygen, but, and i quote," your lungs sound great and look perfect". So why can't i breathe? apparently my lungs are not a fan of the dry, higher altitude air and poor air quality that gets trapped in the salt lake valley here during the winter. excellent. first the skin, now the lungs. East coast anyone? I will say, however, that i am feeling much better despite my still feeling tired. Not that any of you needed all these details but honestly its my blog so i'll write what i want while i'm bored at school :). In other news, i went to my new ward yesterday for church and LOVED it. Definitely where i'm supposed to be and can't wait to just jump into activities and make some friends. Okay i'm done.